Genre Fiction:
THE FIFTH WITNESS, by Michael Connelly
EVIL AT HEART, by Chelsea Cain
THE OTHER BOLEYN GIRL, by Philippa Gregory

Upmarket Fiction (some refer to this as smart book club fiction)
THE OTHER LIFE, by Ellen Meister
THE PARIS WIFE: A NOVEL, by Paula McLain
SNOW FLOWER AND THE SECRET FAN, by Lisa See

and Literary
LIKE WATER FOR CHOCOLATE, by Laura Esquivel
THE ABSOLUTELY TRUE DIARY OF A PART TIME INDIAN, by Sherman Alexie
BLACK WATER, by Joyce Carol Oates

I haven't had an editor ask to change the title yet, but I'd be willing to work with them. But I imagine it's like cover art, where you have input to a certain extent, but you may just have to come to peace with what the publisher decided.

Debbie, what a great tip! I second this 100%. Here's the link for those who aren't familiar with Kristen's blog. http://dld.bz/XjhY Thanks for sharking, Debbie. :)

FYI: Check out agent Kristin Nelson's recent blog on NOT wearing perfume to in-person pitches. I understand some writers' conferences now have a "no perfume" policy. A little thing to think about when meeting in person. You don't want your potential agent having an allergy attack when you are trying to blow her away with your pitch!

Debbie

Even though I'm making fun of myself, I stand by what I said on both counts. Volunteering offers such a natural way to contact these folks without all the awkwardness of saying,'Hello I want to sell you my story". Agents, editors, famous writers, and book reviewers are all on my list of contacts from my job with the local chapter.

The second point of body language is all too true. Christine Witthohn, who was one of the first agents on board, liked my pitch and requested, but nailed me on nervous hands! Darn those restless things. I spoke a whole other message which distracted Christine from my story!
By the way, I met her through my job with RWA as well.....just saying.....

Thanks so much for the honorable mention! I'm truly honored and loved reading the other responses as well. Diane, I've said this before, but it bears repeating. Pitch U is a goldmine for writers.

Cheers!

I love your enthusiasm about this entire process. You've given so much to PitchU and I'm glad to have this chance to get to know you a little better.

Keep up the great work!

And seriously, we need a theme song here at Pitch U. I think we should have a contest sometime in the future....

In any case, I'd like to take this opportunity to announce my retirement from pitching here at Pitch University . . .

But seriously, thanks for the fun interview, Diane!

1) mascot
2) beverage
3) books
4) small pieces of paper
5) inner merriment

It's basically a party in your head. ;)

Just spoke with CK. She's so excited. I've mailed the book and handed off information for her consult.

Here's to more contests in our future!

Thanks again. I'm stoked!
C.K. Volnek

Congrats to CK!

Debbie

Angelica: Correct term = Devil's Angelica.

Debbie! It's good to see you here, and thanks for the Forum Excitement. I think we're also going to have a Pitching Partners thread, so we've got lots of super plans. :)

About parents - mine (and sister) read my YA and gave me unqualified praise. None would read my MG. Have to admit that was dissappointing. But - I have a published writer friend whose Mom reads her stuff - and then is more critical than the harshest critic could ever be. At least we don't have THAT! L)

But luckily, agents are not agreeing with that sentiment, because I've been getting requests from my pitch that was honed right here on Pitch U. And I'm waiting for my crit partners to chime in and say, "Devil's Advocate! That's Angelica!"

Thanks for this series, Diane, and love that you used Professor Farnsworth.

I'm going to write you guys an Official Forum Moderator's email as soon as I heat my coffee. I'd love to have this thing up and running by April 28th, in time for our Pitch Mentoring Session!

I'm so glad you found us too! And I know what you mean about family, although my Mother qualifies as The Official Jaded Reader when it comes to fiction. On the other hand, she thinks I'm "so smart" for creating Pitch University. Makes me laugh. Endorsed by Mom, empowered by the air you breathe. Couldn't resist the Pitch/Oxyclean combo.

Haley, You're not alone. I think most fiction writers don't realize these NF proposals are the project plan behind book marketing, plus a way to plan ahead for success.

You're so welcome, C.K.

Sarah, Yes, vlogging! I'm thinking about doing some of my own columns as vlogs... but I'm not even an actress! I think you have a huge head start. Maybe you'll just have to "play" yourself. ;)

I'm stoked with this new video pitch! I love the way it flows and keeping in mind how much I love the story made it easy to be excited. It was really fun, and I even won the thumbs up from my son who thought it was epic that an agent agreed with his view on my performance.

Thanks so much!

Tina, you're right. We're getting excellent participation, from excellent writers. :) I keep reminding myself that everyone who is here now makes up the core group who will look back fondly and remember when Pitch U was just a baby....

Hugs,
Diane

Laura

That is very motivating! Thanks,

Debbie

Awesome post. I love the idea of finding the similarities in other works - and looking at them - because only then can we better see the differences we bring to the table. If I were going to condense that thought (I know, right? Me condense - as in shorten? Tighten? Chop?) <- Oh my! ;)

I'd look at it like this: Those similarities are our weaknesses because they are NOT what's unique about our work - it's the differences that make us standout - that's where our strengths shine. And what better way to discover those strengths, than by first examining our weaknesses for a better understanding?

I love it! Thanks Diane!

M.

"Crow's Rest . . . with the edgy humor of an Adam Rex book and the dark contemporary fantasy feel of Melissa Marr's Wicked Lovely series . . ." My goal with those comparisons was to show where my book would fit, as well as give an impression of what the tone of the book would be like.

Thanks for another great article.

Debbie

■What are all the aspects of YOU that make your book something it’s obvious you’d want to read? Make a list and explore clues that others could point out, as well as signs only you know.

Though my books are for children, they speak to adults as well. There are adult messages in them....there are some very human messages in them for all. Though they are faith based, they speak to everyone.

I think the books I write speak to people in a personal way. I am affected by my own experiences and so a story will lead me thinking in a certain way...I believe that my books will draw this out with each reader.

So much more to say about this. Thanks for drawing me to think more deeply about what I do and about what I dream.

Though my books are for children, they speak to adults as well. There are adult messages in them....their are some very human messages in them for all. Though they are faith based, they speak to everyone.

I think the books I write speak to people in a personal way. I am affected by my own experiences and so a story will lead me thinking in a certain way...I believe that my books will draw this out with each reader.

So much m ore to say about this. Thanks for drawing me to think more deeply about what I do and about what I dream.

Also, I don't know if you've seen the calendar (http://www.pitch-university.com/main/), but I'll be helping writers with their pitches April 28 - 30th. :)

In that spirit, Mary, you might try posting your query and/or pitch on Absolute Write in the Share Your Work>Query Letter Hell section. The Pitchfests are open to queries now, too, but it's great to have both the verbal pitch and written query to draw on and I'd encourage you to do a video pitch.

Debbie, it can be really fun to work on a project with someone else if you're compatible in project vision and come up with a great way to divide the work. I've collaborated on articles and classe, before, and *we* couldn't even tell who wrote what.

This is a marvelous contest and prize opportunity.

Good luck everybody!

Debbie

Dianne, you've produced two winners here.

That's one of the biggest things I want to get across at Pitch U. Pitches are not the same as Queries. Same book, same author, same goal. But not the same words. We haven't gotten there yet, and I'll be offering a lot of content around this in the future.

Pitches are meant to be listened to. When listening to someone, your need for grounding is HUGE. And in general, when you speak, words are only 7% of the communication. (see article below) But, what do most writers focus on? The written words. They want to speak their query letter.

http://www.pitch-university.com/school-is-in-session/2011/3/10/expert-pitch-class-with-jennifer-wilkov-day-5-preparing-to-p.html

Thank you for sharing your process insights. :) They're great.

This is probably going to sound elemental to more experienced queriers/pitchers, but it was powerful to me. After checking through a lot of the PitchU resources, I started thinking about Pitches as different animals from Queries. (At least the queries I've been writing!!) Suddenly, it seemed that the text of a pitch should look different than the text of my query. I know. Duh. But it was a revelation to me. TELLING someone a mini-story is a different project than simply reading off a mini-story written to be read. Does that make any sense at all?

I may go full circle now, and take my simpler more direct Pitch, and use it as the basis for my new less writerly Query on this project! So thanks, PU, for the helpful curriculum!

You asked me what made a difference in my confidence level on this second go-round. Though the logic might sound a bit circular here, I think it mostly had to do with having had an actual real-life agent (in this case, you) assess my first pitch and not find it absurdly off-kilter. It definitely loosened me up to think that I was somewhat on the right track in the way that I'd constructed the pitch. It was exciting and energizing to hear that others had found the concept of the story interesting. It seems to pay to diligently seek out agent feed-back opportunities!.

Also, I noticed as I set out to do the second video that, when I was telling myself that the delivery had to be "perfect" with no "mistakes", I stiffened right up. When I gave myself permission to bobble words, or pause in weird places, and just keep going, I relaxed more. The lesson for myself was: Its more important to be real, and maybe stumble over a word or two, than try to turn in a "perfect performance".

Kirk, Angelica, Rachel: I’m so glad I could be helpful! Best of luck to you as you charge ahead with your writing careers.

Carrie-Anne: I think it’s a cool concept, but hey, I love the Four Seasons! The issue may not be the concept, but the way you’re phrasing it, which could be a little wordy for something that’s more of a footnote in a pitch (especially since your readers probably won’t know the song). If you want to include it, stick to something shorter, like, “inspired by the Four Seasons’ ‘Ragdoll’”—that’s all we need to know.

MB, Carrie, PK, Jen, Christina, Amy: Thanks for the kind words! I wish you all a wonderful writing journey.

Regarding queries: I’ve temporarily re-opened so that you all can query me. I’m going to let Diane know which projects I’m particularly interested in later this weekend, and she’ll be in touch. I’d also encourage everyone to consider my fantastic colleagues at Folio—there’s an agent for every genre, so even if you don’t write MG or YA, I know you’ll find someone to your liking!

Matt: Thank you for sharing your work! Happy to help.
Thanks again for being great pitchers, everyone!

Thank you very much for taking to time to comment on my query letter as well as all of the others. The suggestions and comments on all of them have made this an incredible learning experience.

Matt Stern

All of you rock!

I noticed on the Folio Lit. web site, you are closed to queries as of 4/7/11. You mentioned you'd like to see a query of mine after viewing the video. Shall I go ahead and send this to you, or wait until you re-open to accepting queries?

Thank You Again!
Christina Mercer

And yes, I'll ditto that I found reading everyone else's queries and feedback a great learning experience as well.

Thank you!

Thanks again,
Christina

And thank you fellow queriers for putting your stuff out there. Nothing beats seeing so many queries side by side, and then getting to see them thoughtfully critiqued in the moment. I was Schooled!

Warmly,
Jen Downey

=)

carrie

Another question: I've been saying in all of my queries that the book is my imagined telling of the growing-up story of a girl who could have been the girl who inspired the Four Seasons' song "Rag Doll," but when I've mentioned this inspiration to my friends (and even my boss, who was born in the Fifties), most of them have never even heard of the song, let alone the story behind it. Is that an irrelevant detail to leave out, and then whichever agent takes on the project can just read my semi-fictionalized version of that real-life story when it gets to that part?

Thanks so much for the feedback! You said what my instincts were saying, and I really appreciate how you broke it down like that. Sometimes it so hard to see through this big world you're building. You've helped with that a lot! I'm excited to dig in and perfect it now. :)

Rachel~

Thanks again, and I'm so impressed by the amount of effort you've put into all these! Everyone else, I hope you take her suggestions to heart, this is such a great resource and opportunity.

Thanks for the great feedback. It's encouraging to hear you find the story intriguing. I will continue to tweak the query in the coming days. Thanks so much for taking the time to critique our queries. I greatly appreciate it.

Alisha: Thanks for your submission! I like your opening line—it really sets the tone for the pitch. Just to nitpick, though, you should add an apostrophe to “weathers”. When agents see errors like that in a query, it makes them worry that the manuscript will be riddled with similar mistakes. That aside, this is a fantastic pitch. Add a salutation and a quick bit about yourself at the end, and I think you’ll have a successful query on your hands. Fantastic!

Rachel: Thank you for submitting this fascinating query! It sounds like you’ve crafted a complete, fully-realized world here. Because you’ve done so much world-building, though, there’s a lot going on in your pitch, and I worry that we’re not able to see the story’s central conflict as clearly as we might. What do we absolutely need to know in order to understand the essence of your manuscript? From my perspective, the key points seem to be something like the following: Aryana’s a half-blood, a boy saves her from the certain death that is the fate of most half-bloods, and to repay the favor, she joins the Order of the Blade. Then she discovers that she must choose between the boy who saved her and her true destiny as a half-blood. You know your story best, so that might not be entirely correct, but I do think your query could benefit from some simplification and paring down of subplots. It’s already a compelling pitch, and with some streamlining, I think you’ll see even better results. Good job!

Christina: Great pitch video! You spoke very clearly, and your plot summary was concise and effective. It sounds like you have a solid middle grade story on your hands. I love how the importance of family and the importance of learning to stand on one’s own really come through here. They’re very salient themes for this age group. It’s great that you have a blog, too. Overall, you come across as prepared and professional, if a little bit nervous. Try practicing in front of a mirror, if you haven’t already, and don’t forget to smile! I’d definitely want to read a query for this project.

Angelica: A wonderful pitch video! You’ve done a fantastic job of summarizing your manuscript quickly and coherently, and you made me want to know more. I am a bit concerned about the word count—anything over 80k raises a red flag for me—but if I read your sample pages and was totally sucked in, I would still be interested in pursuing the novel (perhaps with some edits) and would contact you anyway. In the future, you might focus on seeming more natural in your video/in-person pitches. It seems a little like you’re reading off of a cue card, and your eyes look a bit distant. It sounds cheesy, but if you believe in yourself, have confidence in your work, and put a smile on your face, it’ll go a long way! Overall, though, very nice.

BRAVO, everyone!

Kirk: Thanks so much for this! And thanks for the kind words in your opening line. Regardless of the agent you’re querying, it’s always nice to add a personal touch. I can’t tell you how many queries I get that don’t even include a salutation, or worse, have a million agents (some of whom I know personally) in the “cc” field. Choosing an agent is an important decision for a writer, and making a personal comment shows agents that you’ve done your research and take your work seriously. In turn, we take your work even more seriously! (Okay, and we like compliments, too.) Your query is intriguing. Though I’m a little concerned about your manuscript’s length, it’s nice to see YA with a male protagonist for a change. To kick the query up a notch, I’d like you to focus more on the specifics. (I know you’re all getting sick of hearing me say that, but it’s so true.) Every YA novel has heaps of family struggles and teen love issues. Many YA novels feature orphans or protagonists with secret pasts and dad problems. Show us what makes your take on these plot staples different, and you’re good to go. The dragon-brother thing is a great start, so keep thinking in that vein! Good job.

Anne: I think I’ve seen this query before, haven’t I? I liked it when I first read it, and I still do. It’s a very strong query, and you have a real way with words. Unfortunately, I didn’t quite click with the sample pages as much as I’d hoped I would, but that doesn’t mean that another agent won’t. You’ve got a compelling query, and I’m sure you’ll find an agent for this project. This is a great example of a compelling, partial-request-worthy pitch. I’m sorry that this one wasn’t quite right for me, and I wish you the best of luck with it!

Mary: Thanks for your submission. It’s clear you’ve been inspired by your personal experience, and that you have a lot of important information to share. That said, since this is a fiction query, it’s important that you frame your pitch in terms of narrative. Your pitch shows me that you’re qualified to write about this subject, but that’s not what’s going to make a middle grade reader pick up a novel—only a compelling plot and well-drawn characters will do that. If there’s an educational element to your project, that’s good, but it shouldn’t be the primary focus when pitching an agent. Let the agent discover that for herself. Also, I’d recommend that you never start a query with a rhetorical question. You never know when the agent’s answer might not be the one you’d hoped for! It sounds like you feel really strongly about this concept (as you well should), and I think if you’ll frame your pitch in terms of the story you want to tell, you’ll have an even better query.

That aside, it's good that you know your comparable authors. It shows that you read in your chosen genre. You've also done a solid job of describing the plot in a concise way. Your credentials section is helpful, but it should be a separate paragraph. Best of luck to you!

I have a question that may not be appropriate at all, and if it isn't, please let me know. I'm feeling a little "gunshy" given my rejection history and the comment by my friend (?) who told me to shelf my MS. Do you think my MS has any literary merit at all?

If this isn't the appropriate forum for that question, I apologize and thank you again for your time!
Rhonda

Way to go everyone!

Just LOVE all the mojo that people are bringing with them in their submissions and in the comments!

FYI: Molly's schedule for interacting with us is...
Thursday before 3:00 and after 7:30 PM.
Saturday available throughout the day.

One of the things I've learned from her already is that even if a query or pitch is really good, it must ALSO excel and leap over genre submission cliches. That's a really interesting issue to think about, because on the one hand those patterns make the story seem like it "fits in." But unless you give the unique specifics, you sound ordinary. (Oh noes! No ordinary!)

Rhonda

I felt in great company. Glad to be along for the ride with you, Candi and Ron.

Candi: Your story about your son made me laugh out loud.

I have a fourteen year old who also provided me with copious amounts of directorial advice, culminating in his suggestion that the pitch should begin with me uttering a surprised "Oh hello. Didn't see you there." Preferably from an armchair in front of a crackling fire.

And Diane posted my tip--on April Fool's Day, I thought about putting a fake video on my blog with another "Sneak peek at my Video Pitch for Pitchfest" heading. It would have featured my "movie trailer voice". But alas, I was gearing up for the conference the next day and never had time to do it. I'd love it if you all give it a try during your revision process and let us know if it helped.

Can't wait to see the rest tomorrow, and the revised pitches on Saturday.

Angelica - Great advice!

Stacey - Big wave back, now get back to work. I don't want to be the reason you get in trouble.

Diane as always, thanks for all you do!

To my other PitchU eval day guinea pigs - BRAVO. I loved both of your ideas! Looking forward to seeing the revised pitches. Good luck.

And Molly! Thank you so much for a wonderful interview and for taking the time to work with us. I really enjoyed your comments, and I have to tell you I laughed when I read your comment about 'show me how excited you are about this...'

The reason I laughed was because my ten year old son was helping me film my takes, retakes, and reretakes. At one point, around a mouthful of grapes, wearing a bit of a scowl, he says, "Gosh, mom. You don't sound very excited about your book." DOH! I'll definitely try to get some energy into the next one.

I have a quick question. I left out a comparison line in this pitch. We've all heard, as writers, that a comparison line is wonderful to have. How much does a comparison line help you to understand the tone/subgenre/ect of the story and is comparing yourself to really, super, big titles a no-no? I always feel somewhat arrogant with the "My book is Blank-meets-Blank" line. What's your take on comparison lines?

Thanks again! And I can't wait to see All the Rest tomorrow and read Molly's thoughts.

Good luck!

Dear Jen, Awesome concept! Ninja librarians who protect those whose words have gotten them in trouble! They're 1st Amendment Ninja Librarians. ;)

Dear Candi, Your pitches just get better and better! Angelica Jackson (you know her from all her Pitch U video pitches!), wrote me to share an insightful tip to help writers get their enthusiasm across (while they're trying not to stutter or forget what they're saying):

* * *
FROM ANGELICA: I wanted to pass on a tip that helped me, and also worked for (critique partner) Christina. She was using notes to help her with her pitch, so some of the takes sounded kind of flat. I had her run through it using a really exaggerated voice (think movie trailer guy "In a world where . . ." or the perkiest news anchor you've ever heard deliver bad news), and then do her pitch again in her normal voice.

She ended up using some of the flavor of the exaggerated pitch to vary her voice more, and it also seemed to help her decide which words to emphasize to give it rhythm. Much better!

Anyway, I wasn't sure if this tip would get lost in the comments section, so I decided to mail it to you.
* * *
I'm actually interviewing Angelica for a member spotlight a couple weeks from now. :)

Great job, everyone. I'm always amazed at how good these initial video versions are, and I know you worked hard to pull this off.

M.

Anyway, not only is she a Pitch U expert (with her funny pitch videos), but she's also a friend. So I'd like to offer reprints (no cost, just correct attribution) to sites that would enjoy reading about how an editor actually pitched to HER (a 3 word pitch!), the craft-of-writing technique she discovered while researching YA, and how I apply it all to pitching.

Thanks for your ideas Pitch U Writers!

If you want to see her funny pitch videos (what not to do), go here: http://dld.bz/SdUU

Really enjoying all your comments!

Jen: Great! I'll look forward to reading your query. A toast, indeed!

Do you know if there's much of a market for contemporary historical fiction in the YA/crossover market at the moment? The only thing besides historical fiction I've written since I've been writing has been soft sci-fi/futuristic fiction; contemporary books just aren't my own personal thing. Right now I only do 20th century historical fiction. My current book I'm querying takes place from 1959 to 1974, and I ended up deciding I'd have to split it up into a trilogy because I don't want to take longer than I have to to find an agent for a very long book. (I grew up reading all of the old epic-length novels, so it was a surprise to me when I started finding out that a lot of agents auto-reject just because of a high word count.)

Rhonda H., when you say submitted, do you mean you've submitted a query letter, or do you mean you've gotten 16 YESes and you've submitted your MS 16 times? This is a huge difference. I think a lot of great books never get in the door because the query letter doesn't work and doesn't reflect the actual MS. ;)

Long-time writer, first-time pitcher. I am just beginning to feel my way around the edge of the frame of the art of querying/pitching! Thank you so much for taking time out to help us improve. And thank you Diana, for creating this supportive exciting practice venue.

Molly, I actually queried you the day before I found out about Pitch University, so you were on my mind. I'm excited that you want to see smart MG/YA adventure powered by a heroine. A toast to Pippi Longstocking, Claudia Kincaid, Harriet the Spy, the Gypsy Rizka and Tiffany Aching!

Warmly,
Jen Downey

Am I correct in assuming that you don't want to see a query letter for a project someone else at Folio has read and passed on? It's the only project I have ready at the moment.

Angelica: Ah, school assignments--those can be real book-killers, can't they? I'm ashamed to admit that, to this day, I can't stand Catcher in the Rye--Holden still annoys the heck out of me! I hope you get the chance to revisit Wharton someday, though, because she really is fantastic. And it sounds like the SCBWI NorCal conference was a hit. I'm so jealous of the weather you're having! New York is so dreary right now.

Margeanne: *waves back* Hi! I bet you're not nearly as pitch-challenged as you think you are. I'm looking forward to seeing what you've got, and helping in whatever way I can.

Kirk: Thanks! I hope we'll have a chance to meet at a future conference.

Christina: Make it so darn good we can't say no. I'd wager that most people in the children's publishing world grew up on classic high fantasy. We really do love it! But that also means that our standards are tough to meet. The problem I see with most high fantasy submissions is that nothing about them feels particularly fresh--we see something akin to the typical bildungsroman plot, with lots of quests and unpronounceable names and wise mentors and magical powers tossed in. You've got to show agents that your manuscript is more than the result of a fill-in-the-blank stock plot, so when you query, play up what's unique to your story. Don't just say something like, "After the tragic death of her parents, a mysterious figure tells [My Protagonist] that it is her destiny to save the world from [Really Evil Threat]. She must search for [Super Magical Artifact] while grappling with the reality of her family's secret past." That could be the plot of almost any YA fantasy novel! Tell us what's at stake in your novel--why this particular character's story absolutely must be told, and why it must be told *right now*--so we can see how it stands out from the pack.

Also, I'd recommend that you not compare your work to anything by Tolkien or Lewis in your pitch. If I'm reading a submission with Tolkien in mind, it's probably going to come up short--not to mention the fact that the market has changed a great deal since LOTR was first published. It's better to compare your work to more recent, accessible titles (not Harry Potter, Eragon, or His Dark Materials, either) to show agents that you're familiar with today's market. I just fell in love with and signed a middle grade novel with some high fantasy elements. There are plenty of us out there who enjoy fantasy!

One question on Fantasy for YA: Any tips on High/Traditional fantasy making it in today's market?

I like when you said:

...if you train yourself to pitch your work to agents in a way that conveys how special it really is. And that’s what you’re doing here, so you’re all on the right track.

I'm kind of pitch challenged so those words really spoke to me. :) Thanks!

Great interview.

M.

And speaking of conferences on the West Coast, I was at the SCBWI NorthCal Spring Spirit Conference yesterday. My first time volunteering, so it was interesting to get both the attendee and behind-the-scenes experiences. Bruce Coville sat with us and he was so funny and energetic! It was the end of a VERY long day for me, so I was not nearly so energetic at that point. But--the sun was shining, and it's shorts and shirtsleeves weather again. Check in with the co-RAs if you want to try to arrange for next year!

PK: I know this isn't an easy situation. Nobody likes to see their little darlings hit the cutting room floor! That said, I'd strongly recommend capping your MG novel at 60k. If an author queries me with a MG manuscript over 60,000 words (even if it's a fantasy, and I love fantasy), I'll think twice before requesting it. The longer a book is, the more of a financial investment (and risk) it is for a publisher, and in this market, you don't want any strikes against you. An unusually high word count can often make an agent hit auto-reject a query. I have requested manuscripts that were "too long" on occasion, but I've never found one that I thought couldn't benefit from a little trimming--not just from a marketing standpoint, but from an artistic one. Every single word needs to have earned its place in your manuscript; every sentence needs to build on the one before and take us somewhere we haven't been yet. (I'm rephrasing advice from the incredible Kate DiCamillo here.) If you find a sentence that's essentially restating something we already know about a character or situation, cut it! We'll make it bonus material on your author website later.

Angelica: Wow, I hadn't thought about that! Edith Wharton would make a pretty cool zombie, but the whole craving-human-flesh thing might distract her from writing a solid manuscript. (It also might make it difficult for us to talk to her without getting infected, which is kind of a bummer.) So I'll go with a nice, clean resurrection. Do you have a favorite Wharton novel? Mine is Summer.

Kirk: Thanks for the kind words about Folio. What a small world! I know Jeff was really looking forward to that conference. I'd be happy to come out to the West Coast anytime--if you know any conference organizers out there, please do pass my name along. I could use some sun!

After a few takes, your enthusiasm can start to dip. You just want to get through it, and you're concentrating on the words so much that you don't have much to spare for rhythm, variation in your voice, and enthusiasm.

So I had Christina try something that worked for me (I wasn't sure if it would work for another person's style), namely running through the pitch in an overly-exaggerated voice. Think the movie trailer guy like "In a world where . . ." or an extra perky news anchor.

The movie trailer style lends itself to suspenseful stories (you can almost hear the "dom, dom, dom" for the hook) and the perky one works for a lot of stories with humor or romance.

Then, when you go back to the pitch with your "normal" voice, you'll discover that you've borrowed some of the flavor of the put-on voice. It helped us to show more enthusiasm, sound more interesting because of the varied inflection, find the natural rhythm in long sentences, and look more relaxed. All good things to have in your presentation!

I'm probably not the first one to stumble onto this technique, but if you're doing a pitch (video or in person) you might want to give it a try and see if it works for you.

I really like your revision. The second paragraph is very interesting and contains what, for me at least, is new information. The first paragraph seems too general, and I find myself thinking that this is actually common knowledge.

And that thought makes me wonder if a good way to open is along the lines of...

"You think you know about the pressures that caused Michael Jackson's anxiety disorders and strange behaviors, but you only know the tip of the iceberg. From a psychologist's point of view, submerged below the water is a whole lot more. And his death could've been prevented."

What do you think?

Thanks for the feedback! You bring up several issues I’ve been struggling with – starting with the black comedy issue…should I mention that my novel is darkly humorous in the query? I wouldn’t call it a black comedy overall, but I could be wrong about that. I got this comment from one test reader: “I would have to say, one of the things I like most about In Absentia is the humor. It's everywhere, at every level, albeit a little dark at times." Somehow, though, it feels wrong for me to describe it as humorous in the query...

No, my hero does not sleep with Tiffany. The horror! I see that I was too subtle in saying, “almost irresistible skills at seduction.” I’ll be sure to make that perfectly clear, because I want no confusion about that issue. Thanks for pointing it out!

As for the complicated/convoluted plot…I think I’ll stop the details at the point of his not having a real alibi. The rest only adds confusion in such a limited glimpse of the story. I’m working on refining the closing sentence(s) to give a better general idea of the problems his investigation into Tiffany’s murder causes.

I think that the best hook probably has something to do with the murder and his unfortunate alibi. His overall problem throughout the novel is a bigger issue having to do with his colleague’s disappearance, but I’m afraid that’s all too complicated to be the hook.

Again, thanks for the feedback. You asked some very illuminating questions…

Okay, okay, the truth is out. I have 3 older brothers (and 1 younger), and I was raised to believe that no get-together is complete without causing at least one person to shoot (beverage of choice) out their noise from laughing too hard.

Obviously I can repress my mischievous side in order to appear professional, like in these videos. Even if it means I have to reluctantly scratch the word "ass" out of my Crow's Rest pitch.

It seems that both you and Adam feel I should be more direct and provide more psychological analysis in my pitch. However, I also want to make clear that my book is sympathetic to Michael Jackson and presents him as a whole person, and not as a collection of problems. So, there is a certain balancing act involved!

What do you think of the following:

Man In The Mirror describes the intense pressures on Michael and how they caused him to develop severe anxiety disorders. It discusses how the medical establishment failed him as his anxiety worsened, treating him with addictive sedatives when safer medications were available, and how this ultimately led to his tragic early death.

Man In The Mirror is the first book to reveal that Michael was not gay, but had an intense fear of being approached sexually, stemming from his pre-teen years when frenzied fans would mob him, tearing off locks of his hair and attempting to rip his clothes off. It also reveals that Michael’s changing appearance and his insistence on covering his children’s faces were symptoms of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, which Michael developed when he was no longer an adorable child star and the public rejected his more adult appearance. This same rejection caused him to believe he should remain childlike, with delicate features and a high voice. Man In The Mirror shows how Michael’s anxiety worsened over the years, and discusses how his death could have been prevented.

It would be great to know your thoughts on this revised version!

Thanks,
Sarayda

Can't wait to see the forum (that you've created in your spare time)!

Yay! I'm so glad my "rummaging around in your query" provided some useful results. And you're so welcome. Pitch U is really a product of my own journey to learn to pitch. And I am enjoying the puzzle-like nature of pitch creation. Plus it is ALWAYS easier to work on someone else's pitch, query, or synopsis. Always!

I'm actually planning on opening a forum here at Pitch U, so that writers can meet up with other writers in person (or in virtual form) and work on their pitches. It's extremely helpful to have a partner in crime to help with technical aspects, give you a sense about how you're really doing, and calm your nerves.

Anyway, welcome aboard!

The OCD piece is very interesting.

Maybe it would help to highlight the pieces of your book that no one else has ever discussed or concluded, those "breakthrough" understandings that would make this book of huge interest to MJ fans. :) There are a numerous articles on the internet about his mental state and possible mental illnesses. But I know that you're focused on pieces no one else has talked about.

You have such a kick-butt pitch! And it's because your story actually has a unique hook built in. Can't wait to read it one day....

So, what do you think about for an alternative to hardboiled? Is he hard to impress? Emotionally distanced? Physically tough? Jaded and expects the worst in people? Is he pragmatic? Skeptical? Pessimistic? Distrustful? Street-wise?

I'm actually not a fan of questions in query or when characters are mulling things over (and it's an excuse for the author to remind the reader what they should be thinking about). That said, yours is actually interesting. ;)

Anyway, you can easily turn your question into more of a hook. Maybe something like this: A homicide detective realizes the serial killer he's tracking is killing from beyond the grave. All the detective's skills and experience haven't prepared him to track someone who’s already dead.

Arms of Nemetona: Yeah, I'm kinda confused, too... but great elements!

After I read it a couple times, I'm wondering if it boils down to this:

16-year-old Lia is imprisoned deep within King Brennus' cold castle walls. She and her cousin, royal descendent's, must fight to stay alive, until Lia's boyfriend, Kelven, can rally the northern army to take a stand against the king. But when the army is discovered, the only chance for survival for all rests upon Lia's ability to escape the castle and wield her magic in the battle. But at every step, Lia's efforts to escape are thwarted by a demon-shade, who works his blood-binding spell upon her in order to enslave her spirit to him. The only way to break the spell and save the army, may mean leaving forever the person she loves most, her beloved Kelven.

Do you think this makes it less confusing? Is it close to what your story is about?

Thank You so much for your incredible suggestions! Your suggestions combined with Adam's provide the perfect edits to my query. I'm very pleased.

And a huge thank you for all your dedication in hosting this blog. You've given writers a true gift ;-))

Angelica, these videos were wonderful, very clear, great hooks, and the perfect amount of information. Awesome job!

I'm so excited to have you here! (Finally!) And wow, what a huge accomplishment with your PW review and Amazon semi-final!! I'm a huge herbal/nature fan, and I love this idea.

Arrow of the Mist: I got confused in the story paragraph (although I could tell I liked the story!), and think it's because there are so many names, places, and words I don't initially "get."

So, as I played around with the details, I ended up with this. Does this seem to represent your story?

In this Celtic-inspired myth, 16-year-old (or whatever the age) Lia's father has been poisoned by enchanted, bramble roots from the Straif tree. Together with her grandfather, a respected healer mage, and loyal friends, she must travel into the fog-enshrouded woodland to gather the ingredients for an elixir that will save all the victims. But a demon-shade follows them, his devious plan unfolding, as his hunger for Lia's own tree magic is the key to dominion over all. Lia must risk her life and defeat this demon-shade before she falls under his spell, in order to save her father and all she loves.

Again thank you for squaring me up, I appreciate the advice.

Sounds like a fun book and very topical, with your healing-the-planet theme! After reading your letter a couple times, I realized I was assuming your protagonist was from Earth, because you kept capitalizing Earth (even if magic wasn't). But then I realized this may not be true, which would explain why I was confused on how she changed locations/planets. ;)

You have a lot of big events in your story (yay), and I'm wondering if this is the core of your book: "The fate of 3 planets are linked by a "world gate." When one plant's resources are damaged by its inhabitants, a 16-year-old orphan girl's unique genetic ability to heal nature is their only hope. To accomplish this healing requires 3 people just like her. For the first time in her life, she realizes she's not alone, and now her true quest begins."

I'm such a fan of your story, as you know. Its black comedy reminds me of Elmore Leonard and Carl Haaisen. As I read your query, I realize that I don't know if your protagonist actually sleeps with Tiffany or if he's being set up. This difference creates a completely different story expectation in my mind. Also, I don't know if he has any skills (clever intelligence, dogged determination, kung fu, etc.) that allow him to combat the situation.

I know what it's like to try to sum up a complicated/convoluted plot (especially when you're working with a comedy). One way to tackle it is to look at ONLY the first 50 to 75 pages and then ask, "What would the reader say is the most interesting issue or question." Even though the story may take a 180 degree turn, that opening gambit is probably the hook you want to go with.

What do you think?

Thanks, Candi, for the compliment. Believe me, this is a new ability, this whittling pitches down. I'd like to say this is a superpower and impress everyone, but it's more like a crowbar and a zeal for application. ;)

We have a SCBWI conference next weekend, and I'm volunteering as well as attending, so hopefully I'll have some opportunities to pitch my book. I'll probably only have time for the logline or elevator pitches in conversation, but depending on the opportunity, I feel confident that I could pull out the Spirits pitch and still get across my book without it turning into a long-drown out thing (like this sentence). And the comparisons for Crow's Rest will help convey what else I'm working on.

In a stroke of irony, I didn't actually sign up for the PAL pitch session this time around. Not because I'm chicken (not with this mojo!) but because the volunteers have duties early in the morning.

I really want to encourage everybody to do a video pitch; I feel like I have a couple of different versions to draw from now, so that I can modify a pitch for an individual agent or editor on the fly. That alone can help with nerves, because you feel confident that you know your book and how to talk about it effectively.

For the next Pitchfest, Christina Mercer is going to come over and use my equipment to film her pitches (I'm putting it in writing here so she can't back out), and we'd love to see other people's pitches up there along with ours in April! And if anyone is in the Sacto area, we might be able to fit you in for a film session.

These are really wonderful pitches!! Your pirates pitch is especially "crisp."

I think of your pitches as "extended pitches," in that you've included your hook and expanded out... but without adding confusion! What a hard thing to accomplish, so HUGE congratulations to you. Seriously awesome.

Plus, you've done an EXCELLENT job at using reference titles in a THIS meets THAT format.

I'm setting up the "Our Pitches" tab on the Pitch U website to contain all the video/audio pitches, so that agents and editors can review them to see what we're doing here or can refer their peers (when they don't rep something but think it really has potential). So, of course, yours will be included!

I learned one good tip: if you must turn the heater off so it doesn't make noise in the video, film yourself close-up, and no one will be able to tell that you have the fashion equivalent of a clothing mullet: business on the top, comfort on the bottom. My legs were encased in thermal long underwear with fleece pants over them.

Also, I did a funny blooper, saying, "Avery's disturbed to find that she's no longer the boy he remembers." Maybe I'll have to write that book someday, LOL.

I'm so glad it worked for you. :) (And thanks for letting me play with your query!)

Okay... we'll see what Adam thinks.

Both threads explore the corruption of love, the power of ancient ritual, and the small actions that cause devastation far beyond our own hearts and out into our fragile communities.

I think this version does put across the alternating storylines nicely, and adds emphasis to the conflicts within each story
. Can't wait to see if Adam agrees .... Cheers!

I was really interested in Adam's suggestion and your question asking for suggestions. I think this is a common problem to complicated stories that follow multiple threads.

Anyway, I took a stab at one way to communicate the alternating story lines. See what you think. I'd love to know if you think it solves the problem, gives the right impressions of the book, etc. (See below.)

Hugs,
Diane

MAIDEN’S VEIL re-imagines the Arthurian tale of the Lady of Shalott by weaving together parallel stories of exile, forbidden love, and the yearning to understand the natural forces that drive one’s fate. It is upmarket women’s fiction with a literary sensibility, examining the psychological influence exerted when a ritual is held sacred and powerful.

In 1720 England, tapestry weaver Clarinda Asher enters into a fertility ritual with Benjamin Keane, meant to bring prosperity and safety to her remote village. But the ritual goes terribly wrong, because Clarinda has lied.

Now in present-day, the same village welcomes American tapestry weaver, Jessamine Barlow, who falls for Owen Calder, the “king” of the village’s May Day festival, a diluted version of the long-ago celebration.

The story alternately follows both Clarinda, whose lie is thought to bring floods and plague to the village, and Jessamine, whose presence brings personal destruction to May Day king.

Both threads explore the corruption of love, the power of ancient ritual, and the small actions that cause devastation far beyond our own hearts and out into our fragile communities.

Outcast to a hilltop cottage, Clarinda weaves in solitude until the day Benjamin returns from his self-imposed banishment, leading to a chain of events that bring her back to the ancient midsummer bonfires.

For Jess, A different form of imprisonment confines her love: Owen’s a soured marriage. When he oversteps his own boundaries to rediscover – and ultimately re-enact – the ancient rite with Jess, their lives are ripped apart. But the ritual’s potency has been revived, and events take an unexpected turn.

You did a wonderful job on both pitches. You're so brave! I have no doubt you had an EEK moment when both of your pitches were up but hey, we all know you can do it!

Adam, wonderful suggestions! I can't wait to see the revised pitches.

Diane - as always, you rock. Not sure how you whittle down all these pitches like you do, but you have a gift!

Susan, I think the info you provide shows your dedication to your craft whether you've been published or not, so yes keep it in. I ask for attachments because of the formatting, actually, but any agent who wants pages pasted into the body the email would be understanding of formatting issues, I would hope.

Christina, I honestly am not that up on the fantasy market, but I will say that you should not pay attention to statements like that. I don't, myself, because in the end a great story, no matter the genre, trumps any market analytics.

About biographies being a tough sell unless the author is a recognized expert or has special access--I am definitely learning that this is true! Unfortunately, I didn't know this until after spending thousands of hours working on my book. Do you think I'd have a better chance of finding an agent once my manuscript is complete? Or, do you think that self-publishing might help bring me to the attention of an agent or publisher?

Thanks,
Sarayda

I'd like to ask one question on industry, if I may. I keep hearing that High/Heroic Fantasy is a "hard sell" these days, with contemporary settings much more popular/desired by agents. What is your opinion on this?

I have no credits to list, so in my closing paragraph I usually state that I am an RWA PRO and an active member of several chapters. Is there any point in this or should I omit it and simply give my contact information?

Most agent request pages included in the body of an email, not as an attachment. When you cut and paste pages the formatting, to use a technical term, goes all wonkey. The double spacing disappears and half the indentations show up and the other half don't. Italics may or may not show up, but no one likes underlining anymore. Do agents understand this and does it make a difference?

Thanks again for the help.

1. Francine, your letter is a bit confusing, At first I think the main thrust is the disappearance of Jeff's partner and money laundering, then there's an erotic blackmail scenario, then Tiffany's dead and there's another blackmail! You need to make it clear what the main thrust of the story is by tightening the sequence, phrasing, transitions. Also, tell us the name of your character as you introduce him instead of calling him "the partner"

2. Lise, you can mention the genre in the first sentence and the rest of the second sentence is not really necessary. I am not getting a sense that the two through-lines of your novel are parallel or weaved from the way you've structured you letter. It feels instead like the story it told chronologically.

3. Leslie, there is a lot going on in your letter and while I wasn't confused it felt scattered and in need of some tightening up. And don't forget to tell us the title and genre of the book up front! Watch for grammatical things like using the pronoun "she" instead of the character's name when she hasn't been mentioned in the prior sentence.

4. Christina, I would mention that the setting is Celtic inspired in the first paragraph. I want to be thoroughly "in" the story in the second paragraph. Also, I understand the use of "da" and "granda" but I think it's safer to avoid any confusion for agents.

5. Christina, the first line is hard for me to understand, so I would clean it up, possible make it two lines. In general, this letter could use some tightening. We don't need a whole separate paragraph devoted to the battle for Lia's soul, for instance. It's not a subplot it's an element of the plot, right?

6.Susan, call your detective anything but "hardboiled" - it's too cliche! I don't think your use of questions at the top is working, so I would craft a new opening sequence. The body of your letter is great, so I know you can do it.

7. Sarayda, good work on the technical aspects of the video, though I thought it was odd that you were looking up into the camera. I like the MJ books on the shelf in the background. Biographies are a tough sell unless you are a recognized expert on the subject, have gained access others have not, or have information that has not been revealed to the public. That said, I think you need to champion your unique perspective and analysis more, and carve out the one argument your book succeeds in making.

16-year-old Avery arrives for a visit at her uncle's, eager to rekindle her summertime romance with the boy next door, Daniel. But after a mysterious attack, he's now in a coma. When he awakens, she's disturbed to find he's no longer the Daniel she remembers.

Avery discovers that a corbin, a type of pooka that usually crosses into our world by inhabiting crows, has taken over Daniel's body. What's more, the corbin wants Avery's help to stop some truly dangerous creatures from crossing over—but she'll only agree to help him if he brings Daniel back.

Since Lonan needs a human body to complete his mission, the two boys will have to share Daniel's body, switching off between personalities. In an uneasy truce, Daniel and Lonan work together with Avery to try to stop the evil creatures and their plans for domination.

Meanwhile, Avery fears she's falling for the creature that stole her boyfriend's body. Because even if they manage to save the world, who gets sole custody of Daniel's body? And why does Avery feel like she's headed for heartbreak either way?

Although this one is more professional sounding, I miss Avery's saucy voice. :(

En route from Spain after her father's death, 17-year-old Olivia sets a ship afire while escaping its murderous crew—dooming all hands aboard. Now their ghosts want retribution, and Olivia will need to reclaim her forsaken abilities to speak with the dead in order to withstand the vengeful spirits. If she fails, she could lose her own soul, and open the way for sinister shades to invade the world of the living.

Hope that does the trick, because I need to get started on the Crow's Rest one--only have about half a day tomorrow for filming, due to appointments.

Thanks for the feedback! And I'll probably post the Crow's Rest one later for anyone who'd like to chime in.

Thanks for the feedback. And I know what you mean about stretching sentences. As you're trying to work it all out, you end up with linguistic spaghetti. :) It's hard to read, and even harder to understand as a listener.

Okay, I'll be posting more pitches tomorrow for "All the Rest" Day.

It's interesting that the barest pitch might work best. Of course, we'll let Adam pipe up with her agent perspective! But I didn't even get to the step where you take the pitch and really "wow" it up. What I posted was really plain language. And this has been one of the things I've learned on my ::ahem:: recent quest to learn pitching. Writers want to make complicated and pretty sentences before they even figure out what their pitch really is. ;)

And I LOVE your revised pitch. Seriously. I'd buy that book (if I, you know, had my own publishing company).

But the pitch I am playing around with for the revised video for Spirits goes something like this:

My name is Angelica R. Jackson, and my book is Spirits from the Vasty Deep, a ghostly young adult historical novel set in the 1850s, completed at 93,000 words. It's Blossom Culp meets the Pirates of the Carribbean.

After her father's death strands her in Spain, 17-year-old Olivia is desperate to get home to the States. But she and her traveling companions are attacked by a murderous ship's crew, and Olivia's escape attempt goes horribly wrong, dooming all hands aboard to a fiery death. Now their ghosts want retribution, and Olivia will need to reclaim her forsaken abilities to speak with the dead in order to withstand the vengeful spirits. If she fails, she could lose her own soul, and open the way for sinister shades to invade the world of the living.

(blah blah blah writing credits)

How's that?

As I'm working on my own ability to craft pitches, I find myself fairly obsessed with the idea of a "short" pitch, which you give to an agent, editor, or reader (and then you have a conversation). So, I've used Angelica's first video (really excellent story concept, Angelica) as a jumping off point to try a number of short version, and I'd love to get your opinion of their effectiveness. I have made up details that I don't know. (That's a fiction writer for ya!)

Shorter Version:
16-year-old Avery’s summer crush, Daniel, is in a coma, and when he wakes up, it’s not just Daniel who returns… but also an Irish underworld creature named Lonin, who must seize human form in order to find a way to prevent malevolent creatures from the “otherworld” from crossing over into this one. Lonin is willing to risk his life to complete his mission and needs Avery’s help to navigate the human realm. Avery agrees in order to save Daniel, but as they join forces to face the terrifying creatures determined to gain access to humanity, Avery finds herself falling for Lonin with the same intensity that drives her fight for Daniel’s life.

Even Shorter Version:
It’s a story about a 16-year-old girl, Avery, whose boyfriend, Daniel, wakes from a coma with the hictchhiking “otherworld” spirit, a boy named Lonin, whose mission requires a human body in order to protect his world and hers. To save Daniel, she joins forces with Lonin, and soon finds her heart torn between the two boys, and all of their lives in danger.

Even Short II Version:
An Irish “otherword” boy, Lonin, enters this world when a 16-year-old Daniel wakes from a coma, and only his girlfriend, Avery, can save him by helping Lonin complete his mission to prevent malevolent creatures from crossing into this world and wreaking destruction. As they set out to do the impossible, Avery finds herself falling for Lonin.

Seriously Shorter Version:
A Puca spirit enters our world to fulfill a dangerous mission by taking over the body of a 16-year-old boy in a coma. It’s up to the girlfriend to save her boyfriend by joining the Puca on his mission, and as the danger to them grow, she finds herself falling for the Puca, too.

The Net-This-Out Version:
When an “otherworld” spirit inhabits her boyfriend’s body, a 16-year-old girl joins forces with the spirit to fulfill a dangerous mission… and begins to fall for the spirit, too.

So very glad you're here, Adam! And Angelica, thanks for letting me play with your pitch. I fully give you permission it play with mine, any time you like!

And Jordan, that sucks. I'm using a Canon camcorder with a digital audio recorder plugged into the MIC jack as a microphone--my hubby changed the batteries in the DAR, but then plugged the cable in wrong. So I did half a dozen takes before I realized that the audio was only a steady buzzing noise. But my glitch was easily fixed, and I'm glad I caught it! And I just lucked out that my husband likes his tech gadgets, so we already had this equipment.

And for anyone else that doesn't have a camera yet, I'm pretty impressed with the flip camera that I use in my volunteer work at Fat Kitty City. The sound is decent, and the image stabilization works even when I'm following the kitties around. The software that's included is pretty easy to use for basic edits and uploads, too. You can buy the previous generation/non-HD ones for about $100.

Ah well.

For your pitch, if you want to go with "steamy" then I'd frame it to make it reflective of Avery creating a narrative out of a kiss. I don't think the "asses" line works in this way, though. All that said - and this is to answer your question as well, Susan, I would suggest sticking with your hook. Speaking of which, yes, definitely utilize comparisons. They accomplish a lot in just a few words.

About the 'can of questions' issue: I often find myself in this situation when I am writing pitch letters as well, so I hear you. I still suggest you try to tell me something about why she is on the boat, even if it's simply that Olivia is on her way home from Spain, or additionally that her father has passed.

Looking forward to experiencing your revised pitches!

Adam

Hi, Angelica. Great first pitches!

Jordan, he good thing is, Diane asks the agents to ignore technical difficulties, so it shouldn't affect your feedback as long as we can hear you over it. The obnoxious buzzing noise could be caused by an EMF field or fan from your other computer equipment. Try taping a homemade funnel around where the mike is?

Closely followed by: EEP. That means I now have to revise TWO pitches by Friday morning. Twice the fun, twice the pressure (groan) But once the panic subsided, I remembered I signed up for this, so I'd better stop whining and thank Diane and Adam for this opportunity.

Thanks, Diane and Adam for this opportunity to improve my pitches!!

So on to my questions/comments on Adam's feedback:

For Crow's Rest:
Thanks for the compliments on the technical aspects--and you're right that after several takes, the enthusiasm can suffer. I'll try to keep it a little "fresher" for the revisions. "Steamy" has pros and cons going for it: it obviously put you off, which is bad. The reason why I chose it is because that's how Avery has built up what was essentially just a passionate make-out session in her mind--and, like the "collective ass" line, it's part of her voice. I wanted her voice to come across clearly in the pitch, to help set the tone (she's a bit of a smart ass, but not too snarky--more wry and dry).

I'm thinking I might need to add the word "edgy" to the genre description; in the book, there will be words like ass, and some PG-13 level raunchy humor, but I don't think they'll get past kissing and petting in the sex department. I also meant to add book/author comparisons to my pitch, and only realized afterwards that I'd left them out. So I'll add those to the revision, and that might also help convey the tone.

For Spirits from the Vasty Deep:
The entire book takes place in the 1850s (excepting a little prologue-y bit that takes place in 1843) but I'm guessing your confusion about the time period comes from "NOW their ghosts want retribution. . ." I was afraid of that, with the first line being "in 1851" I will move the period back up with the genre description, and use that space in the pitch to include her age (17).

Whenever I try to include why she was on the boat, it tends to open up a can of more questions. While Olivia is visiting Spain, her father commits suicide back in the States, leaving her on her own. She joins up with a wealthy widow traveling to Boston, and it's on that boat that they are attacked. When I've tried intros like "After her father's suicide strands her in Spain, Olivia is desperate to get home to the States and joins a wealthy widow sailing to Boston . . ." it just turns into one of those cascades of "Well, if I've said this, then I need to include this. . ."

So my thought (based on several PitchU lessons about cutting your pitch down to the essentials) was to just start the pitch with her escape, and leave the background for the conversation that comes after it. But you think it needs to be in the pitch?

And I'll also put the book comps back into this pitch. I've got my work cut out for me! For now, off into the rainy day to run errands. Onward!

Thanks again!

Thanks so much for taking the time to do this. We all appreciate your input!

You guys, Adam is the nicest agent ever, certainly one of the most 'human' ones I've ever had the pleasure to meet! Query him! he doesn't bite, I swear. =]

Kudos!

Jilly

nice to meet you. Love that you got a BA in comparative literature :)

Sylvia

Thanks for the great interview, too.

Welcome to Pitch U. Just go to the RULES tab. It's all explained there. :) But in brief, no, you don't paste any submissions here. We have a submission process through email.

Good luck!

What I love about it is the "brain trust" feel--you can ask a question and someone will either have the answer or be able to point you in the right direction. And when you're mired down, struggling with your query, it's invaluable to have those fresh eyes. take a look.

I love the idea of your monthly column! Many of us (like me) are wallowing in editing, but know pitching is on the horizon. Advanced learning makes us feel involved. ;-D

Susan

PS: I had to look up 'speakers bureau', so I learned even more today.

M.:)

I think got one pitch in the can today, and I'll tackle the other one on Thursday. I'll be doing a practice pitch and the real thing next week.

Hi, Susan!! I loved writing this article with Lynn. She really has amazing advice, and that's why she's the brainstorm leader at all my write-a-thons. :)

Are you going to pitch again this coming week? Or are you busy sending your MS off for the requests you've already gotten?

I think that fear holds most people back. They want to do it right once, then never have to do it again. ;) Also, they're afraid of uncovering new mistakes. But it turns out that's actually the result you ALWAYS get when solving problems.

Jerry Weinburg calls it (in "The Secrets of Consulting," a cult classic written 1986 and STILL in print and being reviewed in blogs this year) Rudy's Rutabaga Rule .

"Once you eliminate your number one problem, number two gets a promotion"

So, the only goal is not to make the same mistake again. Make new, fresh ones.

Curious if some of the things I learned in the first round will let me skip some mistakes, or if I'll just find completely new ones!

Stacey

I can see why it feels like there's no room in the pitch for a romance to be mentioned. You'd need a shoehorn!

You know, as I've tried out various pitch configurations, I've noticed that some pitch strategies work better with certain book details and not so well with others. Then you try a different way of putting your pitch together, and you find the details that fit comfortably are not the same details as before.

(I have such a different attitude about pitching now. I actually started smiling as I was writing this reply, because I started thinking about "playing" with all the various pitch strategies out there._

I know. I'm officially a Pitch Geek. ;)

Diane, you've done an outstanding job with Pitch University!

I love the idea of trying to summarize the plot of a novel in five sentences. I'm going to give this a try tonight!

Thanks so much for a wonderful and highly informative post. It's nice to hear someone mention that agents like to see writers do more than write. We all know they want us to be able to promo, but the specifics aren't always clear. The idea of having several different hooks for diverse markets is something I wouldn't have really thought about. But it makes perfect sense.

:)

I was working on a new paragraph pitch today, and it mostly captures the conflicts, emotional arc, and story arc, but I haven't figured out how to squeeze mention of the romance in there. Do I need to, or is that just poop? There is a romantic element to the story, but I wouldn't classify the book as romance (more historical and paranormal) Here's what I came up with:

Olivia Herald's forsaken powers to communicate with the dead may be the key to seeing a murderous crew punished, and to helping her slain friends' spirits find peace. But she gave up those powers after a terrifying childhood encounter with a malevolent spirit, and has spent the last ten years ignoring ghostly intrusions into her daily life. Can she overcome the fears that drove her to turn her back on her abilities, or will her failure doom her friends and open the way for vengeful spirits to invade the world of the living?

Not only do we struggle to create our novels, we now have to struggle to re-create ourselves away from acceptable norms of behavior. Modesty is valued, bragging is not. Being unsure of your ability is not valued, but confidence and pride is. Aagghh.
Like I said, intellectually I know the difference. Finding that proper space between the two while selling your novel is hard.

I also enjoyed the interviews!

Thank god you're here! I need you! I'm totally pitch challenged. Are you going to be using examples? If so, do you need one? :D I've got a doozy you can use. <- Hey, a girl can dream, right? Just know, I'll be taking notes - listening intently and crying quietly. ;)
I'm looking forward to this one. Thanks for doing this!

M.

Wow, thanks! This is great. I love this site. It's great for writers in all phases of their careers!
I'm going to go find my scissors and try and figure out how I can cut out that winner square and stick it on my fridge. Yep, maybe the bling from that baby will dazzle the kids into thinking I'm amazing...not that they don't already believe this - but now's there's proof. heh heh heh ;)

Thanks again - and congrats to all those mentioned and even those that weren't - because I read everyone of the comments and geez, some of you guys are freakishly smart, but hey, I'm not gonna hold that against ya - so keep 'em coming. :D
M.

Way to revamp using the comments you got and make those pitches stand out. So proud of you all!

Good luck with your referrals and requests!

And, Bravo to everyone who posted! It's great seeing other writers' ideas.

Sarayda

All these pitches were amazing!!! I want to read all these books!!!

And thanks for the offer to redo the pitch again-- wow! That's awesome!!

I talked with Michael and he gave me some great ideas which I'm going to use. I am sooo excited!!!

Ruth, I love how you've brought the focus back to the US and given US readers a way to "enter" into your book by contrasting this singer with "a timid Texas housewife." You might play up this part in your pitch (this contrast) by calling the singer, "larger-than-life," and maybe "the Bruce Springsteen of Slovenia." or "Slovenia's national folk/blues hero, who has played across the world's stage."

I know you're thinking over several different strategies for how to put this book together, and that will change your pitch depending on what you choose. :)

Elizabeth, You took a huge leap forward! Your first effort was a great start at putting your arms (and mouth!) around a complicated book. You took the advice and created a pitch that's much more approachable.

Feel free to incorporate this advice and send me a 3rd pitch if you'd like. I'm offering this to everyone who pitched this week. I'll be posting featured pitches under the new tab "Our Pitches," for those agents and editors who are referred here by their peers, as well as upcoming guest agents and editors to review in order to know what to expect during their week with us. My eventual goal is to have pitches searchable by genre/type.

Susan, What a great job! You've pitched in both our PitchFests to-date, and your ability to learn, grow, and apply are what Pitch U is all about. I believe every writer can do this, and you've led the way.

My personal quest for "How Short Can You Make It" has me speculating that you can probably get this even shorter (A believe-what-you-see detective hunts down a serial killer, but all the bodies lean him directly to a sexy gun store owner and the vindictive ghost who won't set her free." And then your fabulous line: "Now he has to figure out how do to track someone who's already dead, before he becomes the next victim.")

But honey, once you get a YES, your pitch works! Congratulations.

Many thanks for this amazing opportunity! I learned so much and really appreciate your comments.

Ruth: Definitely better! It’s much more commercial to conceptualize the book as a memoir. The challenge is it has to read like a novel and be finished before you write the proposal for it, and then pitch the book. Omit the intro. Start with “[Title] is a travel memoir about…” You are admirably concise in explaining what the book is, but you also have to explain why people will buy the book in as few words as possible. Is the story funny, inspirational, transformational? No thank you needed. Maybe you could play his music while you make the pitch. That would be memorable. Good luck!

Kathleen: Much tighter! Good job. OK. I give up. If you’re not wearing a name tag when you pitch your book, say “Good morning/afternoon!” with as much enthusiasm as you can and then give your name, and then start your pitch. “[Title] is an x-word YA space-opera paranormal romance about…” You provide more details about the plot than agents and editors will need to respond to the idea. Just give the essence of the plot. You’ll get there. Omit the two “that is…” sentences. Onward!

Susan: Very good! Omit “I'd like…” Start with the title. Omit the thank you. Good job!

Thank you again. I look forward to talking with Michael.

Laura: Excellent idea. Good pitch. First sentence: "[Title] is the first volume of a dystopian YA trilogy about..." Not: "think of it as," just "It's x meets y." Omit "With my..." to end. Only include significant promotion info you will do and, if appropriate, how many of them, if you can prove you can do it. Say nothing self-serving.

From ELIZABETH POMADA:
REFERRAL!! Laura Atlas's video was for YA fantasy, which we don't handle. Laurie McLean does: query@agentsavant.com. She simply wants e-mail queries. The presentation was okay. I would NOT pat yourself on the back telling about the "richness & complexity" of the story. It's the agent's job to tell you that. I thought the eye contact could be improved. As could the one-note reading. Add some life to it! Don't read. You used good comps but then they did not fit the story you described. And we want to know what you WILL do to promote the book. No one is going to help you do it.

thank you so much for your time and effort and all the informative feedback! That was quite a fun and challenging exercise, and I learned a lot through the whole process :)

Sylvia Shipp

Kim: Inviting setting. Strong conflicts. Aim for the 25-50 most exciting words you can about the book. It wasn’t clear to me why this was commercial. What books or authors are the models for it? Visiting POWs’ dreams was fascinating but mystifying. Avoid saying things listeners won’t understand. Could the novel be called The Dream Jumper?

Sylvia: Appealing setting and good idea. Just talk about the book, not how it came about. Start with the title and the kind of novel it is. It veers in another direction with the paranormal element. At first, I was thinking Ruiz fans would like it, but he doesn’t have supernatural elements in his books. What are the models for the book? No need for a thank you. You’re doing them a favor. (The book has reading-group potential, which means that you should try it out on reading groups so you can tell publishers that, and that the part of your promotion plan should be to post a reading-group guide on your site.)

Lanita: Very good setting, time period, and plot. Aim for 25-50 words. No thanks needed nor the information about your research or the invitation at the end. Woman Warrior helps give your book reading-group potential, but the kung fu and Patriot comparison sound more like boy-book territory, making for a heterogeneous trio.

Tina: Excellent pitch! No need for completed. Start with “[Title] is an X-Word [kind of novel] about…” Omit the intro and the thank you. Well done! You will get interest!

Moragh: A timely story about a growing problem that will help readers cope. No name needed. I don’t know that the problem is inevitable. Aim for 25-50 words, starting with the title. The pitch seemed at least as much about you as it was about the book. Talk about the book in terms of what it will do for readers, nt what you’re selling but what consumers will be buying. Excellent use of models. Struck by the phrases Finding What Remains and Doing What Love Told Me. Could be the title of the book or chapters. Don’t need 13 months or second half. Had trouble with comparison to marriage or raising children. Dealing with someone who screams at you, gets violent, or doesn’t recognize you, and continues to deteriorate, none of which can one prevent or cure, isn’t the same. (Getting foreword and quotes from experts will be helpful.)

#6 There was no link to Laura’s pitch. (DIANE’S NOTE: I’VE SENT THE LINK AND WILL POST RESPONSE ASAP.)

Sarayda: Good credentials. Aim for 25-50 words. Avoid questions. Your goal should be to sell answers. The value of the book hinges what it add to the record that will make fans part with $17 or $27. So consider starting with “The first book written by a psychologist, [Title] will also be the first book to reveal:…” I have an x-word proposal for an x-word manuscript.” Only powerhouse promotion plans that will happen are worth mentioning. (There’s enduring interest in Jackson, although I’m not sure how it will translate into book sales from Jackson fans who will want to buy and read a 100,000+-word book two years from now. Having new photos and getting a foreword by a celebrity who knew him will help.)

Kathleen, funny story - I wear glasses (no, that's not the funny part). When I first tried my video pitch I wore my glasses and read from the computer. I looked at the video and realized, the viewer could see my eyes moving as I read across the screen AND the glare from the computer reflected in my glasses! So I memorized the pitch, took off the glasses (just in case my horrible lamp lighting reflected in them) and tried again. This is what I suggest for your final pitch. Also, try to narrow your pitch to under a minute and one character's plot arc. You want to give the hook of your book.

Susan, I looked at the time stamp, saw one minute and smiled. Your pitch is clear and concise. I agree that you could leave out the professional memberships. In a face-to-face pitch, you can probably work it into the conversation, but after you give the hook and the agent/editor asks a few questions.

Susan, I'm just so impressed with you. I remember when you were a newbie at pitching (in February). Boy can you learn and apply. Congratulations. :)

Hello, my dear. Okay, I have been granted possession of the Pitching
DeCoder Ring (The Writer's Version) TM, and here's what I believe:

Belief Number 1: Writers of really good books usually end up
mis-representing their books in pitches and queries (because trying to
sum up your own book is so much more difficult that even most writer's
realize).

Belief Number 2: If you write complicated books, chances are the more
you say, the more implausible it will sound, even if the book (in
reality) hangs together really, really well.

I'm thinking about naming these Diane's Law Of Pitching Distortion
and Diane's Law of Every Book is Implausible (once you hit 50 words of
explanation).

And believe me, I'm talking from direct experience with my own books.
:) So, I'm writing to say, "Take heart, come up with a short pitch,
and let's see if that works on the re-do Friday."

And if you want help, just email me at PitchUniversity@gmail.com .
I'll be glad to help you. I'm getting pretty good at pitching, and it
helps to talk with someone who doesn't know your book in all its
details. Trust me. It helps. :)

Hello, my dear. Okay, I have been granted possession of the Pitching DeCoder Ring (The Writer's Version) TM, and here's what I believe:

Belief Number 1: Writers of really good books usually end up mis-representing their books in pitches and queries (because trying to sum up your own book is so much more difficult that even most writer's realize).

Belief Number 2: If you write complicated books, chances are the more you say, the more implausible it will sound, even if the book (in reality) hangs together really, really well.

I'm thinking about name these Diane's Law Of of Pitching Distortion and Diane's Law of Every Book is Implausible (once you hit 50 words of explanation).

And believe me, I'm talking from direct experience with my own books. :) So, I'm writing to say, "Take heart, come up with a short pitch, and let's see if that works on the re-do Friday."

And if you want help, just email me at PitchUniversity@gmail.com . I'll be glad to help you. I'm getting pretty good at pitching, and it helps to talk with someone who don't know your book in all it's details. Trust me. It helps. :)

This has been wonderful. And tomorrow I will do the revised pitch.

First of all, Ms.Dupree's pitch for the travel memoir does have some good ideas and some not-so-good ones. Mentioning Bill Bryson is grezt because that means there will be humor. But no one in America has heard of this musician. And one wonders why he is mentioned since he is not the author. I also doubt that CDs "Go Gold" in Slovenia. It's nice to know that he has many fans in Slovenia, but that will not mean many books will be sold there (certainly less than 2,000 copies!) And do they have to be in Slovenian? Yes, the country is a new tourist destination, but we don't need to be told where it is, or hear the praises of the country. This makes the market even less in America. Ms. Dupree's voice is too tentative. She should be more sure of herself in the pitch. All I can do is wish her the best of luck.

Kathy Allen's space opera has too many disparate parts to be believable. It doesn't sound like a space opera at all. Mixing Arthurian legend with selkies with werewolves is not believable. This is a Mash-Up but I don't think she is intentionally trying to be funny. Regarding the pitch itself, there's no attempt at eye contact. The reading is rushed and the plot sounds too complicated and too hard to follow and/or believe.

REQUEST!!! Susan Muller has obviously practiced her pitch. She's much better in presenting herself and her idea now than she was at the beginning of the pitching. This paranormal romantic suspense could be salable.I wasn't sure who the leading character was, the detective (male) or the sexy gunstore owner.OR the ghost/serial killer. And I wouldn't waste time telling the agent about being a member of RWA or the Houston Writers Guild. This is good information, but shouldn't be part of the pitch. I suggest the author send the first 10 pages and 2 p. synopsis as an email letter to our associate, Laurie McLean: query@agentsavant.com

I really like your pitch. It's not short... if you think start to finish, but what you did was a lovely job of what would occur in a conversation. You pitched plus you answered most of the questions that an agent or editor would ask you during an appointment. Well done.

And Mike's reply is a great lead on where to look for a publisher. Basically what he's saying is that you need a uniquely-focused publisher. And you've obviously been doing research as well. Good job.

Here are some additional ideas for you:

1) Publish in Croatia.

2) Publish in Europe, targeting publishers who have previously published books on Croatia. For example:
Cicerone - http://www.cicerone.co.uk/search/?keyword=croatia&submit.x=0&submit.y=0

I'm sure this website is old news to you, but just in case: http://www.books-croatia.com/ This can help you track down publishers.

3) Publish with small/specialized US presses, especially look at university presses. This is the absolute heart of these presses: books of intellectual, cultural, or human value with have a narrow audience.

For example:
Cambridge Press has a Croatian location and active presence: http://www.cambridge.org/contacts/croatia/
University of Alberta has a book on Croatia: http://msupress.msu.edu/series.php?seriesID=21

4) Look into the fabulous resources and networking available through the Croatian clubs and associations. This may be really out of the box thinking here, but many groups and historical societies publish books out of pride and for fundraising. Your book may sell even better (and you may make more money) by working with a Croatian group to publish it and split the proceeds. There is nothing like the power of people absolutely devoted through love of what your doing... to reach the exact people most likely to buy your book in the first place.

Best,
 
Diane, Chief Pitch U Alchemist 
Pitch University, where writers learn how to pitch their books face-to-face, to literary agents, editors, and ultimately readers.
www.pitch-university.com
 

According to technical support there is a known issue (well, not by me, obviously) with the captcha letters with Internet Explorer 7. Apparently the solution is to turn the letters off, and that's what I'm testing with this post.

This should resolve our issue. But again, if you experience problems, please write me at PitchUniversity@gmail.com .

And thank you for your offer to answer my questions! I'll be taking you up on it!

And now, on to reworking my pitch so that it's shorter.

If anyone is having a problem with posting, just email me at PitchUniversity@gmail.com. I'll do my best to resolve the issue and get your post up there (even if technical support has to do it!).

Thanks for understanding.

Sylvia Shipp

Is there a pitch story, worst or best, that sticks out for them? Something that really wow'd you one way or the other?

That's awesome. Where are the written pitches posted? I love reading them!

So, please encourage your firends to come out and take advantage of this opportunity. One day I know I'll be talking about all the writers who made valuable contacts here. I can imagine talking about the sales and bestsellers. And I hope it's you!

I 'met' Elizabeth once during the Chase the Dream contest at Rachelle Chase and Leigh Michaels website. She gave wonderful advice on my final! It's so great to have agents who will take the time to give great feedback. But your website is the same. Tons of great information for writers. Very encouraging and positive, though you also keep it 'real'. This is a tough business after all.

I'm not ready to pitch this time. Bummed, but I'm just getting over the flu and haven't had the energy to even try. But, Laurie's on my to query list for my YA when I send out.

Thanks for all the great work you do for authors and writers. You guys are so busy!

Candi Wall

I've removed your pitch from the comments, because we have a special submission process that I need all Pitch U writers to follow. :)

I'm always looking for ways to make our Pitch U process easiler to understand, so no worries! I'm going to make it more obvious in the rules how to participate.

But, I'm totally on your side, so what I'll do for you is save your pitch for you. Take a look at our RULES/ "5 Steps for Submitting Your Pitch." All you need to do is read that, then send me an official submission email. :) I hope you understand that I have try to make things as easy as possible for me to hand over to the PitchU agent or editor. :)

Meanwhile, feel free to ask Michael and Elizabeth questions about their experiences, anything you've always wanted to know, or any clarifications you need.

I'm glad you've joined us.

STEP 1: write comment; click “create post”

STEP 2: enter spam-prevention letters; click “confirm post”

DO NOT SUBMIT YOUR PITCH IN THE COMMENTS. We have a submission process listed under the "Rules" tab. It's easy, and it will help everything flow smoothly!

Meanwhile, all of you have these wonderful pitches.... I have two agents coming for a PitchFest week, starting tomorrow. Coincidence? I think not.

Elizabeth Pomada is taking all the Fiction pitches (no limit on type or number, Works-in-Progress okay). Michael Larsen will be taking the Non-Fiction.

I'd love to see all of you trying an audio or video pitch. It's really easy to do (much easier than you think), and it's MUCH less stressful than pitching at a conference. Here, instead of YES or NO, you'll be told what works and what doesn't, and you can ask questions.

And if the agents like it and rep it, they'll do the right thing. ;)

(For those of you who want to unSUB from this thread.... there doesn't seem to be that option. However, there will be VERY little activity from here on out. Probably a couple more thanks to Lorin, and me coming back to let you know the Badges are designed and ready for you.)

And a special thanks to Lorin for such a terrifice lesson, input on our pitches, and the very generous offer to read more. You're the best!

This has been a great learning week for me and I really appreciate all the time you invest in all of us.

Ladies, please send me your email address/contact information in case an agent or editor happens to ask. I had a request for a full MS (posted in comments of Lesson 3), and I have no way to contact this writer. Oh, the sorrow! I've done searches on her name, and everything I turned up doesn't work.

So, send me your info to keep on file: PitchUniversity@gmail.com\

ALSO, I'm going to create some special BADGES for those writers who participated in this contest. I'll do that this afternoon, and get that up in our BONUS tab/Badges. These are perfect to put on your website, blog, FaceBook, anywhere that you have an electronic writer's home.

Diane, thank you for hosting this awesome contest. Bless you.

Suzanne

Lorin, thank you so much for all your time and efforts. I had SO much fun and learned a lot participating in this contest :)

Sylvia Shipp

carrie

Standing ovation for Lorin's generocity, tenacity, and virtuosity. This woman is all the good "osities," all rolled together. :)

And WOW, I absolutely was rocked by how hard each of you worked. Did you notice that there was this "leap" that happened between versions? You follow along as changes are made... and then BAM, a version that just WORKS.

Lorin, thank you, my dear. You're one of the kindest, smartest people I know. Thank you for giving up your beauty rest to be here with us this week.

Scott (my sweetie) suggested we start making bobble-head dolls of our guests to honor them. You just *know* I'm trying to figure out exactly how we can pull that off. ;)

Thanks a million and three.

Loren - WOW! You're my new official hero. Thank you so much for everything. I'm so lucky I saw this contest and even luckier that you extended your gracious offer to the rest of us contestants. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Also want to give Diane a HUGE thanks for well...everything!

And to the winners-- Congratulations!!!!!!

They are all great pitches:)

Thanks Lorin for the huge amount of work you put into this contest. There were so many pitches I loved so I can see how hard it must have been for you to pick the winners. Thanks for being so generous with your time and help. I have learnt so much. Thanks also to everyone who shared their work. Seeing how everyone else's pitches developed was also a great learning experience for me.

Dee:)

I love the choices you made, and really appreciated the way you explained what worked for you in each instance. Congratulations to the winners!!! Have any of you ever worked so hard on 50 words in your life? LOL

Final Official Pitch Contest Entry

Emma Rollins is blessed. Nobody knows her blood’s rich with infinite power, except for Quinn, the vampire. And he’s dying to claim her. Since accepting her college soccer scholarship, Emma is backstabbed, beaten, bloodied and bitten too. And it’s only the first semester. Yeah, being blessed is like being cursed.

Hoo boy. This was INCREDIBLY tough, and there were many, MANY more excellent pitches than there were prize places here. You all did some truly phenomenal work, and I loved seeing the way the emotional aspects of your pitches (and stories) solidified during the week!

Even though the winning entries are excellent, I'm reminded how arbitrary contests like this can be. I had a kind of arcane system in my head when judging, so please know if you didn't win, it's truly not because your pitch didn't kick butt. It most certainly DID.

FOR EVERYONE: I'd like to reward you for your efforts.

So... ANYONE who entered this contest with an OFFICIAL ENTRY is invited to submit his/her query letter and first 500 words to me for a quickie review/edit. Well, I say "quickie," but I can't promise a truly quick turnaround. But I WILL get to it. Send to lorin@free-expressions.com and put "PITCH CONTEST QUICKIE" in the heading. Mostly, just to amuse me but also so I can keep track!

AND NOW THE WINNERS (in no particular order):

CHERYL WHITMORE -- YA Science Fiction
"When someone kidnaps Jeren's sister, Tara, demanding secrets her parents once held, she crosses space alone in pursuit. Jeren believes she failed to save her dying parents and vowed to protect Tara nine years earlier. Now she must unravel the mystery to keep that promise."

While I would still futz with the language on this one (Example: "When Jeren's sister is kidnapped, and the perpetrators demand secrets her parents once held..." etc.), I was impressed by the communication of three key elements in just a couple of lines: Plot; emotional content; and backstory. Nice work!

ROSALIE LARO -- DEMON BORN -- 85,000 word paranormal romance.
"Keegan is an inter-dimensional bounty hunter on a mission to stop his father, a demon, from raising an army of zombies to take over Earth. But his resolve is tested when he falls for Brynn, the key to the apocalypse...and the very woman he may be forced to kill."

Again, this does a great job of communicating both plot and emotional content. As I mentioned, I like the conjunction of relationships here--the demon father, the love interest who's also at the heart of the apocalypse, etc. And the phrase "resolve is tested" does a nice job of humanizing Keegan and letting the reader know this mission will be a challenge. Good work!

JORDAN McCOLLUM -- Thriller, I'm guessing!
"An attempted assassination in post-war Paris forces dyed-in-the-wool Soviet diplomat Katya Mikhailova to trust her family's safety to the American spy hunting the Nazi underground responsible. To stop her would-be killer from destroying the world’s tenuous peace, she must choose between being a good Soviet or a good daughter."

I love the promises of complicated relationships here--both political and personal. And I love the suggestion that it will be as much a battle of the heart as of practical circumstances. The pitch has a great fluidity to it and appealing elements. Nicely done!

WINNERS:

Please send your addresses and t-shirt size to me at lorin@free-expressions.com

THANKS, AND CONGRATULATIONS TO EVERYONE!! YOU ROCKED IT!

Connie MacLaren, emotions locked-down since his dad disappeared fifteen years ago, is afraid his psyche will shatter if he bares his soul to win the trust of his six-year old, heretofore unknown, illegitimate daughter. The mute girl talks to the dead. And she thinks Connie abandoned her.

Julie planned on a Martha Stewart lifetime with her husband. But when she suddenly dies and is reincarnated – as a dog - she appears on his doorstep, using puppy charm to wiggle into his heart. The only thing that could break their bond now is another woman… her sister.

After falling victim to Owen’s Youtube love-spell, “Opera Girl” Aria finds herself macking the school’s grossest perv. Now Aria may never find true love, unless she makes nice with Owen, outwitting hacks and thugs from Westchester to the Lower West Side. Spells crack. Hearts break. Lovers kiss for real.

In the 25th year of her daddy’s disappearance, grief-stricken Ruth Holness sets out to find him one last time. But this time, the quest demands her all: she must betray her suicidal mother, abandon her dying grandma, and even sacrifice her lifelong faith in another father: God.

YA Science Fiction

When someone kidnaps Jeren's sister, Tara, demanding secrets her parents once held, she crosses space alone in pursuit. Jeren believes she failed to save her dying parents and vowed to protect Tara nine years earlier. Now she must unravel the mystery to keep that promise.

50 words, YA Fantasy

Imprisoned in the Menagerie, fifteen-year-old Mina eats from a trough, sleeps in a pen, and endures painful surgeries to become more animal-like. When she discovers that General Maxi Minus plans to sacrifice the teens, Mina must believe in her ability to defeat the man she now knows is her father.

Please feel free to send it to me via email: lorin@free-expressions.com, and I'll shoot you a note in return--soonish. :)

For all of those who submitted pitches here, especially those who revised and submitted again: thanks so much for your hard work! You're inspiring!

I know fifty words was a tough (and really arbitrary) word limit, so feel free to give yourself a bit more to play with, working to balance both the emotional arc and the greater, specific story stakes. Doing so will, I know, result in absolutely amazing pitches.

Two of my guiding questions when working with authors are: 1) Why does SHE care (the protagonist)? And 2) Why will *I* care (the reader)? Often, writers are good at exploiting one factor or the other but not both. The combination of both represents the marriage of a potent emotional current and larger concrete story elements that stir the reader's imagination. In other words, you're going after heads AND hearts. Make sure your pitches--and, of course, your STORIES--have something brilliant going on in both arenas.

Thanks so much for this fantastic week! Can't wait for all the final, official pitches to be in for my judging enjoyment. But please know, as I am already VERY well aware, that there are many more than three winners here!

Lorin

MINA:

Great job here—authoritative and “voicey,” to use some creative editor vernacular. ☺

I wouldn’t change much about this except to convey what it is Emma wants. This suggests that a lot of dire (and perhaps comical) circumstances are befalling her, but it’s a bit less clear what she wants—other than to play soccer, of course!

So, you might try to incorporate a bit more about how SHE is driving the story, how her desires help to topple the dominoes, as it were.

Really nice, though! Thanks.

HOLLY:

Excellent pitch, Holly, especially the intriguing last line with its portentuous “hook.” Good work!

My only suggestion might be to really focus your opening line, as it feels a bit diffuse and wordy. An example rewrite: “Working to live down her archeologist father’s recent career flop, Eden…” etc. That he’s a PSEUDO archeologist will emerge within the story, of course.

But you’ve created a compelling connection between her father’s embarrassment and the potential humiliation and career derailment she faces in pursuing his theories. Nicely done!

SHARON:

Excellent work here, especially in terms of communicating Mattie’s desire for respectability and the difficulties she’ll encounter in pursuit of that goal.

I wonder, though, if you’ve treated the story in a bit too general a manner here (I know; I know: you only have fifty words!). This feels like an overview of a potential SERIES but less a sharp accounting of a specific novel and its plot.

What happens when she inherits her legacy? What story arc develops from that moment, and what specific trial does she face in this novel? In other words, what concrete form does her mission to “serve and protect” take here?

All detailed in a line or two, of course. ☺

Nice job with the emotional component. Thanks!

TINA:

I think you’ve done a great job of conveying Cassie’s emotional and practical desire—to gain control of her power. I’m wondering, though, if there’s some way to create some tension between opposite emotions here. How has she felt, or how DOES she feel, powerless in her life? How is her pursuit of control tested in some way so that her real power comes from allowing herself to be vulnerable?

This may not fit the story, of course, but think about ways to create emotional friction here by looking at opposite aspects of her psyche.

Nice work! Thanks so much!

ELAINE:

I think you’ve got great “bones” here vis-à-vis the elements of the “haunted house, hidden wealth, and a murder.” All of those are certainly intriguing components.

I’m not sure, though, that you amplify Anna’s emotional journey as much as you could. I’d pull out the really intriguing detail of her life being “more interesting than she ever thought it could be” and milk that a bit.

Prior to the acquisition of the house, was her life static? Did she long for some kind of adventure, or something to give her existence more spice and more meaning? Find the ways in which her investigation with BJ will challenge her psychologically and emotionally, and cast those in sharper relief here if you can.

Again, of course, that’s for the purposes of this workshop/exercise. In basic marketing terms, it’s a solid pitch!

ANNA:

Since I’m gunning here, I’m just going to comment on one of your pitches, the first one—hope that’s okay!

I love the idea of Connie’s practically mute daughter leading this investigation with Connie and providing a connection with the diseased. Those are compelling elements that one doesn’t see every day. And I think there’s a lot of potentially strong material in his connection to both the girl and to his dead father.

My questions, re: the emotional arc of the story, have to do with WHY this is critical to Connie, why this investigation represents a solution to his “locked-down” emotions. What is he risking, both in investigating AND in unlocking his psyche during the course of the story?

When you’re giving yourself a bit more room to play with this, see if you can create that feeling of tension I mention earlier, between his state at the beginning of the story and the emotional journey (and/or transformation) you’ll hint at in your pitch.

Really nice! Thanks.

CHERYL:

I’m a big fan of your third pitch—for yourself—but since we’re dealing with our novels here, I guess I’ll just stick with those. ☺

For my money, some combination of the two pitches may be the way to go. I like the inherent emotional contradiction that takes place whenever a “lothario” falls in love. That the woman he falls in love with is “sexually repressed” makes it all the more meaty.

From the second pitch, though, I’m a fan of the inclusion of the story specifics related to Wall Street commerce. So, again, I’m wondering if there’s some way to combine the two, keeping your finger on the pulse (perhaps not strictly applicable in this case ☺) of Lucian’s emotional journey?

Give it a whirl!

DEE:

Nice revision. Much more emotionally potent!

Thanks for all your hard work, Lorin. I just woke up in Australia to find I was supposed to put Official Pitch Contest Entry on my pitch. I am probably too late (have no idea what time it is over there) but I thought I'd submit anyway, so here it is:)

Rescuing her drug-addicted brother Ed is Sarah's way to atone for revealing his childhood secret and tearing her family apart. Sarah's obsession jeopardizes her relationships with her best friend and boyfriend, and a life-threatening confrontation with Ed's drug dealers forces her to face her own codependency issues and the past.

This has been a great contest, Lorin and I have learned so much.

Thanks.

Dee

*hugs* Susan

Although I didn't submit a revised pitch, you've given me some great things to consider for my query letter/pitch. And I'm glad that I have answer to those questions. :)

I appreciate that you're my friend and helped me out TREMENDOUSLY. Thanks.

Connie Maclaren, emotions locked-down since his father's disappearance fifteen years ago, is shocked when his dad's bones are discovered in an abandoned mine. Connie must find out what happened. His guide is his unknown illegitimate child - a girl who can barely speak but who talks to the dead.

Teen runaway Kallie Smith will endanger her hard-won freedom if she reports the nephew of her beloved landlady for abusing a girl Kallie tutors. She's sure the girl will deny it. Kallie gets that. She never told either. She doesn't think she can.

CLAIMING ANNIE’S HEART is a completed 62,000 word contemporary romance set in Ireland and Texas.

Annie’s mostly ignored by narcistic parents until her secret affair is discovered. She’s sent to a remote Irish school and told her boyfriend died. She stays overseas to nanny a widower’s infant, vowing never to abandon her charge. When her boyfriend returns, alive, Annie discovers the meaning of sacrificial love.

Try #4
CLAIMING ANNIE’S HEART is a completed 62,000 word contemporary romance set in Ireland and Texas.

Annie’s mostly ignored by narcistic parents until her secret affair is discovered. She’s sent to a remote Irish school and told her boyfriend died. She stays overseas to nanny a widower’s infant, vowing never to abandon her charge. When her boyfriend returns, alive, Annie learns the meaning of sacrificial love.

"Confronted by a long-lost brother, Amélie learns only her blood can help their dying family. Returning to France to save them and followed by the nut who killed her daughter, Amélie plots her revenge. But can a mouse catch a raptor?"

Her beloved da and others in her village will perish from the poisons of enchanted barbed roots unless Lia—a fifteen-year-old tree mage—defeats the demon shade who controls the roots. But he has plans to enslave her instead,using the secrets of her grandmother's past as leverage.

An attempted assassination in post-war Paris forces dyed-in-the-wool Soviet diplomat Katya Mikhailova to trust her family's safety to the American spy hunting the Nazi underground responsible. To stop her would-be killer from destroying the world’s tenuous peace, she must choose between being a good Soviet or a good daughter.

(I'd hate to think that someone might not think to check back on the post to see they need to do this for an official entry...)

Thanks so much, Lorin! This has been fun :D .

Esther Campos, a diligent World Lit grad student, travels to Celtic Spain to retrieve a forgotten novel by a famous 19th century author she bonds with. Esther struggles between bequeathing it to the literary canon and remaining dutiful to an egomaniacal professor whose career will be devastated by this revelation.

DEMON BORN is a completed 85,000 word paranormal romance.

Keegan is an inter-dimensional bounty hunter on a mission to stop his father, a demon, from raising an army of zombies to take over Earth. But his resolve is tested when he falls for Brynn, the key to the apocalypse...and the very woman he may be forced to kill.

A stubborn I-can-do-it-myself screenwriter must work together with a let-me-do-that-for-you-honey ex-FBI agent to escape a drug cartel they stumble upon when they’re shipwrecked on a deserted island. When the criminals escape, will push-and-shove turn to love when he moves in as her bodyguard? Or should he hide his weapons?

Carrie Spencer

Oh, well, here's my pitch anyway. Thanks so much for your time, Lorin. I really appreciate it.

*Official Pitch Contest Entry* (but late, I know) (50 words!)

In Scotland for her mysterious great-grandmother's funeral, attractive teenager Ally Gordon discovers her dreams have become prophecies, one of which foretells the death of her new friend, Ewan. When she finds out that only she can change the deadly prophecy, will she? Life or death, either way so loses.

17-year old aspiring scientist Lady Eliza Vine must conquer her dread of social disgrace and join forces with a notorious Bohemian rake, whom she suspects of having an affair with her brother, in order to kill a monster that is hunting and executing decadent citizens of fin-de-siecle London.

Feedback from Lorin: Awesome job with this last, subtly tweaked version! I wonder if instead of the detail of the rake’s affair with her brother (I understand the inclusion), if you might be better served to suggest that her joining forces may result in the loss of some dream for her? She’s not just risking social disgrace, I’d imagine, but the potential end of her dreams of scientific pursuit?
Also, perhaps some hint of why SHE is the one who must help kill the monster. Just a few words to suggest a connection between who she is, and what she knows, and the pursuit at hand?

Latest version:
WHIPLASH, a futuristic young adult Steampunk novel, is a work-in-progress.

17-year old Eliza Vine hopes to pass the rigorous background checks required by university science admissions by experimenting with ways to separate her dutiful public face from her rebellious inner spirit, only to discover that a vigilante is killing decadent citizens of fin-de-siecle London, and all clues point to Eliza.

Breathing Fire
YA Paranormal
90,00 words
cctyping@gmail.com

Older version: "Confronted with a long-lost brother, Amélie learns her DNA carries a terrifying secret. She must journey to France to save her family or die at the hands of the man who's vowed to destroy them all, the same man who tortured and killed her daughter."

Last version: "Confronted by a long-lost brother, Amélie learns only her blood can help their dying family. Returning to France to save them and followed by the nut who killed her daughter, Amélie plots her revenge. But can a mouse catch a raptor?"

Meh. I think I'm just going in circles now...

In crushing pain after a near-fatal accident, Ah San seeks aid from a reclusive taiji artist, only to insult the Chinese master. Without help Ah San cannot teach his beloved martial arts and will loose his family's savings. His efforts at redemption test the edges of fear and self-preservation.

Robin

Thank you for setting this task - I’ve been through my own emotional arc just doing it(!) and have learned a lot already. My pitch:

In the 25th year of her beloved father’s disappearance, grief-stricken Ruth Holness goes in search of him one last time. This time, the quest demands all: Ruth must betray and abandon her suicidal mother, leave her dying grandmother, and even sacrifice her childhood faith in another father: God.

Warm regards,
Esther

Approaching her fifteenth birthday, Mina learns that she and the other children in the Menagerie will be sacrificed. After discovering that the man ordering her death, Governor Maxi Minus, is her father, Mina must believe that she can save herself, her friends and all of Nalta.

#3 Holly is a practical woman who believes in always following her moral compass no matter the consequences. But when the Native Alaskan spirit Raven decides that she should be his wife, Holly becomes embroiled in a feud between Raven and Wolf that will test her perception of reality and for her to make a decision with no right answer.

And after Lorin’s wonderful insight, at 51 words so it doesn’t make the contest but what the heck:

#4 Holly is practical, has an unwavering moral compass, and a horrific connection to the Native Alaskan spirit Raven. Pushed to her limit, Holly confronts Raven to reclaim her life. But Holly’s morality is tested by a prophecy that her triumph will destroy a man loyal to Wolf and, maybe, Alaska itself.

When Jeren's family and friends are put in danger, she must overcome her sense of failure and set out across space alone to keep her promise to her mother, "take care of your sister", while unraveling the secret of her parents' deaths nine years earlier.

Before: After an attempt on her life, dyed-in-the-wool Soviet diplomat Katya Mikhailova has to trust an American spy to keep her family safe in post-war Paris. But when she finds her would-be killer, she must choose between the belief system she's devoted her life to and the only man she loves.

After 1, keeping with the tone of the before:
An attempted assassination in post-war Paris forces dyed-in-the-wool Soviet diplomat Katya Mikhailova to trust her family's safety to the American spy hunting the Nazi underground responsible. But when she finds her would-be killer, she must choose between the country she's devoted her life to and the only man she loves.

After 2, focusing more on the large-scale stakes, and still trying to keep the emotion at the forefront:
An attempted assassination in post-war Paris forces dyed-in-the-wool Soviet diplomat Katya Mikhailova to trust her family's safety to the American spy hunting the Nazi underground responsible. To stop her would-be killer from destroying the world’s tenuous peace, she must choose between being a good Soviet or a good daughter.

Thank you so much! I've really enjoyed these lessons and the hands-on help!

It’s very generous of you to offer to take another look at my pitch. Thank you. And yes, I agree 100% with what you said about observable character journey . Did no one warn you that I’m pitch challenged? *shrug* I don’t know why. Wait, yes I do. I think it’s because I want to get everything in - all the subplotty type things that eventually tie into the main theme. Which is great, but when I strip it down to 150 words it sounds Blah. No! It sounds worse. Can anyone spell: Ho hum? *Insert Homer Simpson shudder here*

No excuses though, I’m pulling up my big girl panties. Eventually, we all must suck it up, right?

Oww-kay then,

Long version:

Rianna is given a simple choice during difficult and dark times. She could share her life, give up half her soul to the man she loves, or she could live her every lifetime without him. In the 15th century, it was an easy enough sacrifice - in 2012? Who knows what a fiercely independent woman will decide. Their last lifetime together ended badly. The bitterness and distrust of that time have somehow been carried through to the present, which makes the task of reconnecting nearly impossible. But Jack must convince her to forgive him. To put her faith into his hands and love him all over again. Even if by doing so, means they’ll break their eternal bond, lose their every future together and be condemned to live in different worlds - soulless for all eternity

Long winded? You bet.

New shortened version as per your advice: 49 words <- I’m just saying. ;)

Rianna’s unaware of the life-altering choice she’d made when her immortal mate finds her. With her memory decimated by his past betrayal she questions the truth of their eternal bond. Now, Jack must convince her to love him all over again as the fate of their children is threatened.

So I have:

Protagonist’s name - check
Perhaps her lover’s name? Check
Real story events. Hmm... check - still wanted to get the soulless for all eternity in there. :(
Protagonist’s wish and how is his dependency standing in her way. Not sure about that one - I think: the life altering - questioning the truth - and the fate of her children works for that one maybe?

I LOVED this! Thanks Lorin! You’re awesome!

M.

This method does force you to get to the heart of your story. And, you're so correct, the fiance part isn't the heart of Annie's growth. Her feelings of abandoment are.

More tomorrow, folks!

ROSALIE:

You’re welcome, Rosalie!

This comes in at more than fifty words, so you’ll have to trim it down a bit to make it an OFFICIAL contest entry, but it’s definitely taken on greater emotional depth via the revision. Good going!

I’m especially intrigued by the fact that Keegan’s father is a demon (hint: trim “evil;” that’s generally implied with demon, though some urban fantasists may feel otherwise) and that his mission here is going to put him at odds with that father and force him to make a choice re: his love for Brynn.

You might try keeping the entire pitch focused on Keegan. Example:

“Keegan is an inter-dimensional bounty hunter on a mission to stop his father, a demon, from raising an army of zombies to take over Earth. But his resolve is tested when he falls for art gallery owner, Brynn Meyers, the key to the apocalypse and the woman he may be forced to kill.”

That’s fifty-three words, so keep paring! But great revision.

RUTH:

I hear you, re: getting the nuances across, and in this case, it’s probably a good idea to downplay the vampire angle just because agents and editors feel oversaturated these days. :-/

Great job with the revision, especially adding in the details about her family and her dead daughter. Compelling!

When you flesh this out just a bit for non-contest use, you might give a hint of what that terrifying secret is and/or why it prompts her journey to France. In other words, suggest some causality between the first and second lines. And at the end, you might give us a hint of the complications/difficulties she’ll face in going after the antagonist.

Well done!

JUDYTHE:

Much better!

Here’s a pared down version that gets you to fifty words:

Annie’s banished to boarding school in Ireland after her outraged parents discover her affair with [X]. Told he has died, she remains overseas to nanny a widower’s infant. But when [X] reappears, alive, Annie must chose between the man she’ll always love and the child she promised never to abandon.

I’ve omitted the fiancé here because it complicates matters a bit in the pitch, and it’s sufficient to suggest her bond with the child, which I’m guessing is the more potent connection anyway.

Hope that helps! Nicely done.

CHRISTINA:

Nice job communicating the emotional ties as well as the voice of your story (“beloved da” does a great deal of effective work here).

In this case, you have a little wiggle room to break it into a few sentences and give a bit more detail about the world in which the story unfolds. What will happen if the demon is able to convince her to serve him? How might it be compelling to do so?

This doesn’t have to go into your fifty word version, of course, but you might break it into a couple of sentences and expand just a little, trimming out things that are not absolutely critical like “thirteen-part.”

Example: Her beloved da and others in her village will perish from the poisons of enchanted barbed roots unless Lia—a fifteen-year-old tree mage—defeats the demon shade who controls the roots. But he has plans to enslave her instead, offering up her family’s well being as the price for her service.

Or something along those lines. Of course, given a few more words, you might add another line to suggest the greater scope of the story, but this establishes your premise, nicely. Good work!

SUMMER:

Really nice revision. Subtly improved, even by just the inclusion of the characters’ names.

When you have room to expand this, you might suggest the causality between Sakura’s sheltering of the demon prince and the things she gains in her life. Does he ASSIST her in gaining friends? Is HE her great love, or does he help bring that person into her life?

And you have room, I think, to bolster the emotional content just a bit, to suggest that through all of this Sakura has gained an appreciation of a life she took for granted, etc.

Good work here! Thanks.

SYLVIA:

Nice revision(s)! Excellent work.

DARCY:

Good work here, and you’re certainly communicating some powerful emotional stakes in terms of Aria “never [knowing] true love” unless she can succeed at her quest.

I think you can probably consolidate this a bit, trimming out the first line and adding the important details to the second (“After falling victim to tech-genius Owen’s love spell video, “Opera Girl” Aria goes gaga for…” etc.) and maybe using that space to talk about some larger repercussions of Owen’s diabolical plan. ☺

For now, though, just those last two lines are strong. Be careful, though, that in your pitch, you take a position of empathy with your protagonist. Some of your phrasing, such as “goes gaga” and “Opera Girl,” suggest an adult perspective on the “amusing” machinations of the youth, and you really want to communicate your protagonist’s journey from a position of equality and regard for them.

Very adept, though!

SAYTCHYN:

Nice work, though I think “insouciant” is really an intellectual word; it doesn’t pierce through to the emotional level like other words. You might consider something like, “Dusky is sheltered by her spirit-channeling mother, until…”

Really nice!

SIOBHAN:

Awesome, thanks! Where’s your pitch?! ;-)

Finally succeeded with v.3. Not sure it’s as emotional though. You tell me.

ORIGINAL:
Parental discovery of a secret relationship banishes Annie to boarding school in Ireland. She becomes engaged to the Irish father of the child she nannies. When the Texan she thought dead returns, she’s torn between her first love and her commitment to another man and her promise to his child.

v.1 REVISION: Comes in at 56 words.

Annie’s banished to boarding school in Ireland after her outraged parents discover her affair. Told her boyfriend’s dead, she remains overseas to nanny a widow’s infant. But when her first love reappears, very much alive, Annie must chose between the man she’ll always love, her fiancé and his child, whom she has promised never to abandon.

v2. Revision: Still one word over but better Yes?

A high school senior banished to an Irish boarding school after her parents discover her affair believes her love is dead and stays in Ireland as a nanny. Feeling abandoned by all who she thought loved her, she promises never to leave her charge until her very much alive boyfriend reappears.

v.3 Revision:.

Her parents never notice her. Her secret boyfriend disappears. She’s banished to school in Ireland. A dejected Annie takes a nanny job and vows never to abandon her charge as she feels she has been and agrees to marry the widow father. Then her first love returns.

As the ophthalmologist says, Better?

Thanks for being such a word wizard and teaching us how. . .

After: A stubborn I-can-do-it-myself screenwriter must work together with a let-me-do-that-for-you-honey ex-FBI agent to escape a drug cartel they stumble upon when they’re shipwrecked together on a deserted island. When the criminals escape, will push-and-shove turn to love when he moves in as her bodyguard? Or should he hide his weapons?

=)

carrie

Lorin's top three (3) favorites will win awesome prizes:

An awesome t-shirt in a random size (kidding; I’ll try to send one in the size you specify);
An awesome book of writing instruction;
A line-edit and evaluation of the first 30 pages + optional 2-page synopsis; -OR-
An awesome gift certificate for $100 off an upcoming workshop.
Now... back to our regularly scheduled Expert Pitch Class. ;)

All, if you knew how busy Lorin is right now, you'd know she's probably giving up breathing in order to have time to post here. ;) I'm so glad you're taking advantage of her expertise. I'm following along and rooting each of you on as you revise and re-post.

And I can't wait to see who wins her contest! I might have to create a special BADGE for you. (See badges under the BONUS tab.)

I was worried my pitch focused a little too much on personal stakes. There are larger stakes, of course, but not the ones she thinks until she does find the killer. (Twist endings can make it really hard to pitch!) I'll play around with them to see what I can come up with.

Thank you, Lorin!

CARRIE:

Of the two, I like the first offering much better. The second feels a bit too abstract and a bit too much as though it focuses on character backstory. It doesn’t quite gel for me as the first does.

Re: the first… Great broad strokes here. I like the juxtaposition of your independent protagonist and what seems—at least at the outset—her chauvinistic love interest.

Since you have a few words to play with here (and more, of course, in “real life”), you might add another bit of complication into the mix. How do their personality clashes endanger their pursuit here? What will she risk losing if she gives up some of her independence with a view toward survival? How might she question whether it’s worth the price?

Again, this can be handled in just a sentence or so, but in terms of broad strokes, how is her independent nature REALLY challenged via this adventure?

Nice work!

ROBIN:

I think you’ve done a great job of touching on the themes here, but I wonder if you could give a bit more of the story specifics along with Ah San’s emotional journey?

If you cut the first bit about China opening its borders, you can buy yourself a few words to help us understand his PURPOSE in hunting down the taiji master and, for the wrap-up, perhaps hint at what’s at stake for him—physically AND emotionally—if he’s unable to achieve his aim. Why is it worth it to him to submit to the master’s demands?

Well done, though!

LUANNE:

You’ve really self-corrected to the extent that I don’t have tons to offer, except that you might give us a hint of Nora's overall goal/desire in “taking to the woods.” Does she go just for escape or because she’s in search of something there?

And you might look for sharper, more specific language to replace “restore a crumbling world.” Are you speaking of THIS, the human world? Or the frog world? And why is it crumbling? Perhaps, “The power to correct humankind’s abuse of the natural world.” Or something sharper/pithier. ☺

Great work!

JORDAN:

I think, in terms of broad strokes, this is quite well done. The only thing I’d try to add—outside the parameters of this discussion, admittedly, is a hint of the larger stakes. What is her ultimate mission? Does she want something larger, with greater public consequences, than simply to keep her family safe? How does that greater good potentially threaten her connection with both her family and the man she loves?

All of this, of course, should be condensed down into a simple phrase or sentence, if possible!

Congrats on posting, even though you found it “terrifying.” But we’re all friends anyway, right? ☺

SUZANNE:

You got it right, Suzanne. I’m definitely interested in having us get to the hearts of our stories and to the heart of our protagonists. It’s my firm belief that only by really knowing and exploring that territory are we able to make a true connection with our readers.

And thanks for organizing your iterations for me. BIG help!

Re: your pitch(es)…

I’m wondering if it might be possible to consolidate and condense it a bit so that, in your third version, you can still get Ewan’s name and their connection in there?

Also, I’m wondering how you might characterize Allison on an emotional level, prior to the story’s unfolding? Something a little more potent than “well adjusted,” perhaps.

Potential consolidated version:

In Scotland for her mysterious grandmother’s funeral, seventeen-year-old Ally Gordon discovers her dreams have become prophecies foretelling the death of her new friend, Ewan. When she learns she has the power to change one deadly prophecy, will she? Or will she let the prophecy stand to serve a greater good?

Fifty words! Boo-yah! I think what I’d do is simply communicate that it’s a YA elsewhere and find another description of Ally to replace “seventeen year old.” Maybe “timid,” which serves as nice juxtaposition to the power she’ll come into later on, though you have to be careful about negative definitions of your protagonist. Play with it!

MARGEANNE:

You’re quite welcome! Glad the article and these pitches and commentary have been useful to you. I think you’re right that characters need rich internal landscapes to make them truly worthy of our interest and that much of the tension in a story comes from what’s inside a character and how their psychological states inform the external events.

Re: your pitch… I think you’ve touched on a lot of compelling emotional detail there—the concept of pledging half of one’s soul for eternity is certainly a rich one!

That said, this feels a little abstract to me in terms of concrete story events. A great pitch will, of course, balance both the emotional and the practical, observable character journey.

I wonder if you might give it another go and include a few specifics: the protagonist’s name, for example. Perhaps her lover’s name. And then, if you can, some suggestion of the real story events. What does your protagonist wish to accomplish and how is his dependency standing in her way?

Hope that helps! Would love to see a revision if you want to post it.

VERONICA:

Really nice work here—compelling details in terms of his being an outsider, maligned by the villagers and hungered after by…well, the “entity.” His love story Mariat provides further emotional grist.

I would love some sense of why, in particular, HIS blood is so delectable to the entity. And I’m wondering if there’s some way to bring these elements together a bit more cohesively (in fifty words) so that we understand how accepting the truth of who he is might interfere with his life and his love.

Maybe to get you started, something like, “As a foreigner, Sheft can deal with the hostility of the local villagers and even the fact that a creature from nearby Riftwood hungers for his exotic blood, but falling in love with Mariat is another story.” Etc.

You might further tie them together by adding something like, “When a great threat appears, he’s torn between protecting her and accepting the fate that will drive them apart.” Something that seeds in both story events and emotional territory, in other words.

Of course, you might be more specific about the nature of the threat than I have been here. Just trying to give you a general feel for a pitch that would marry all the elements.

Hope that helps!

Oops, I forgot we only had 50 words.

Here's my amended version.

Rescuing her drug-addicted brother Ed is Sarah's way to atone for revealing his childhood secret and tearing her family apart. Sarah's obsession jeopardizes her relationships with her best friend and boyfriend, and a life-threatening confrontation with Ed's drug dealers forces her to face her own codependency issues and the past.

Thanks, Lorin:)

Dee

Thanks so much for your suggestions on how to improve my pitch for my YA novel, Saving Sarah Davis. I really appreciate your input and this opportunity

Here's the revised version:

Sarah is trying to make up for revealing a secret about her brother Ed that tore their family apart. Her obsession with fixing Ed's drug addiction is as powerful as his dependence on ICE, and it threatens to drive away Sarah's best friend and her boyfriend. When a confrontation with Ed's drug dealers almost costs Sarah her life, she realizes she must let go of the past and allow her brother to find his own cure, no matter how much it hurts.

Dee

(2) A cynical rock star vampire and a daring heroine thwart the Blood Witch’s plan to ruin Wall Street commerce and prove that love transcends celebrity culture emptiness.

Aspiring author Cheryl O’Donovan must learn to script a decent pitch if she’s ever to ink a book deal before the geriatric SWAT team moves in. (whoops! Author intrusion)

I'm behind (obviously), but I hope to get caught up in the morning! Ah, the life of a busy book editor.

In the meantime, I'm really impressed by the commitment you've all shown toward improving your pitches. As Stacey said, the results have been spectacular.

More tomorrow!

Lorin

Esther Campos, a diligent World Lit grad student, travels to Celtic Spain to retrieve a forgotten novel by a famous 19th century author she bonds with through a letter. Esther struggles between bequeathing it to the literary canon and remaining dutiful to an egomaniacal professor whose career will be devastated by this revelation.

Attempt #4 (WC: 50--omitted "through a letter" in line 2)

Esther Campos, a diligent World Lit grad student, travels to Celtic Spain to retrieve a forgotten novel by a famous 19th century author she bonds with through a letter. Esther struggles between bequeathing it to the literary canon and remaining dutiful to an egomaniacal professor whose career will be devastated by this revelation.

Lorin, thank you SO much for your feedback! I appreciate the time and effort you give everyone.

The pitch is part of the original query (modified slightly), where I tried to go short and straight to the heart of the story. Does it capture an emotional connection to the main character?

Thank you, Lorin for this opportunity!

FATE pitch #2:
Tarnished by family history, ‘Mad Mattie' Blackman will never achieve the respectability she craves with a career in law enforcement; but when she inherits the legacy of the three Fates, Mattie learns to serve and protect the paranormal community of Shore Haven in ways she never dared to dream.

Emma Rollins is blessed. Nobody knows her blood’s rich with infinite power, except for Quinn, the vampire. And he’s dying to claim her. Since accepting her college soccer scholarship, Emma is backstabbed, beaten, bloodied and bitten too. And it’s only the first semester. Yeah, being blessed is more like being cursed.

(Blessed One is my 100,000 YA novel.)

Seventeen year old Allison Claire Gordon, a well adjusted high school graduate from Maryland, finds confusion and fear in Scotland when she discovers some of her dreams have become immutable prophecies, and one of them involves the death of 19-year old Ewan Mackay, a Highlander she has just met.

My second try was here:

Allison Claire Gordon becomes frightened when, in Scotland, some of her dreams become immutable prophecies.
Her fears mount when she dreams about the death of her new friend, Ewan Mackay, and she becomes determined to thwart this particular prophecy.

This is my third, although I couldn't get it below 54 words (worked all night on it, too):

Ally Gordon flies to Scotland for the funeral of her mysterious great-grandmother. There, her dreams become immutable prophecies and she discovers her ties to the forgotten Mackay myth. When she learns she has the power to change one deadly prophecy, will she? Or must she find the courage to let the prophecy stand?

Here's a bit of what I had done, re: the next few (including yours, Sylvia, though your rewrite addresses many of my comments). Will tackle more tomorrow.

SOOO impressed with the work you're all doing here. Some great material is emerging.

Lorin

COMMENTS ON PITCHES – FEBRUARY 22 – PART TWO

DEE:

I’m intrigued by the emotional journey promised in your pitch, but I’m afraid it doesn’t reveal very much about Sarah’s inner life or HER emotional transformation. In fact, her brother’s covered at greater length than she is.

Give it another go with more about her. What in the past does she feel she must atone for here? And perhaps give us a bit more in terms of specifics, re: HOW she almost loses her best friend, boyfriend, and life. Those are compelling components. Just have to bring them into sharper focus!

Thanks!

SYLVIA:

Good work here, Sylvia. While I think you could pare it down a bit (probably reworking it to “Esther Campos, a World Lit grad student travels to Celtic Northwest Spain”), it does a good job of establishing her circumstances and the circumstances of her quest.

You might want to give us a hint about why it becomes important to her and why her professor wishes it to remain hidden. And, in a perfect world, the revelation of this manuscript would have broader, potentially earth-shattering consequences to at least the academic world and, of course, to Esther’s life.

Also, of course, you’re a bit over fifty words and with my suggestions may go even further afield, so really dig in and try to hone it down to as sharp and pithy a statement as possible.

M.: (☺)

Great! This is a solid, serviceable pitch. If you want to deepen it a bit, expand it on an emotional level, I’d help the reader understand why her job means so much to her and/or what is in her past and how it relates to the crimes at hand (yes, within fifty words!).

Also, you might give us a more specific phrase to bring the partner into focus. Is he/she magical or not? Why doesn’t the partner feel the same urgency as Blanche?

Again, I should stress that I’m not suggesting wedging answers to ALL of my questions into the pitch but rather that you give some thought to exploring a few of those threads and see if the pitch takes on greater resonance.

Good job!

Thanks so much for the follow-up and yes, it does help! I figured all of that but I'm glad to hear that word-of-mouth is still a good way to get connected and actually working via tele and online communicaitons is becoming more the norm. Definitely broadens the options!

Dusky is insouciant, shielded by her spirit-channeling mother, until a necromantic cult kidnaps Mom, and Dusky uncovers her own frightening connection to the cult. As her friends begin to disappear, she must face new fears and defeat foes both living and dead to save her loved ones and, hopefully, herself.

Original: "With months left to live, a reclusive, high school student impulsively shelters a demon prince, a friend of her late guardian, after he flees the demon world to escape his murderous brother. In doing so, she gains a love she never dared to wish for, even as death marches closer."

New: "With months left to live, a reclusive, high school student Sakura impulsively shelters the demon prince Kazuki, who fled the demon world to escape his murderous brother. In return, Sakura makes new friends and finds the love she never dared to wish for, even as death marches steadily closer."

Reeling from her fiancé’s infidelity and longing for approval, Esther Campos, a trusting and diligent World Lit grad student, struggles with her loyalty to her egomaniacal professor and her determination to travel to Spain to retrieve a forgotten 19th century novel penned by a famous author despite her professor’s orders.

Thanks!

Could have sworn I posted this yesterday morning....*scratching head*

"With months left to live, a reclusive, high school student impulsively shelters a demon prince, a friend of her late guardian, after he flees the demon world to escape his murderous brother. In doing so, she gains a love she never dared to wish for, even as death marches closer."

My 59,000 word Young Adult Fantasy:

Her beloved da and numerous others will perish from the poisons of enchanted, barbed roots unless Lia—a 15-year-old tree mage—deciphers a thirteen-part elixir and defeats the demon shade who controls the roots, before he convinces her she’s destined to serve him.

“When Annie’s outraged parents discover her love affair with a boy she now believes dead, they banish her to boarding school in Ireland. There she finds solace in her relationship with [child’s name and age, perhaps, some telling characteristic], and a connection with his father. But when her first love appears, very much alive, Annie must choose between…” etc.

Not perfect, of course, but it tugs at a few more heartstrings. Give it a go!

JUDYTHE SAYS: Okey-dokey, Lorin. I’m ready to play.

Heart string words no problem. Keeping at 50 words . . . well that’s another issue. That’s how I ended up with “parental discovery.” LOL

ORIGINAL:
Parental discovery of a secret relationship banishes Annie to boarding school in Ireland. She becomes engaged to the Irish father of the child she nannies. When the Texan she thought dead returns, she’s torn between her first love and her commitment to another man and her promise to his child.

v.1 REVISION: (Comes in at 56 words. Help, what can I cut and keep story and emotion?)

Annie’s banished to boarding school in Ireland after her outraged parents discover her affair. Told her boyfriend’s dead, she remains overseas to nanny a widow’s infant. But when her first love reappears, very much alive, Annie must chose between the man she’ll always love, her fiancé and his child, whom she has promised never to abandon.

I don't use the word "vampire" because they're not vampires in the classic sense. Their family birthed the vampire legend but as in many legends, there's a chasm between what they are and what the legend says they are. For example, only those with their DNA become eternal. But getting that nuance across is so hard!!

Original: "Emotionally dead Dr. Amélie Voisin must break out of her shell and accompany her newly-found blood-obsessed brother halfway across the world to trap the man who killed her daughter and become the queen of an ageless king."

Revised: Confronted with a long-lost brother, Amélie learns her DNA carries a terrifying secret. She must journey to France to save her family or die at the hands of the man who's vowed to destroy them all, the same man who tortured and killed her daughter.

Thanks for your response. I'm not surprised JR loved your book, I did too. The premise and your voice are so fresh and fun, I've recommended it to several people (who have to buy their own copies since mine is on my Kindle).

Good luck! I'm looking forward to the next one!

Lark

Original: Half-demon Keegan is an inter-dimensional bounty hunter who is charged with saving Earth from a zombie apocalypse, but to do so he might have to destroy the key to the apocalypse, the one woman he can't seem to resist.

Revised: Keegan is an inter-dimensional bounty hunter on a mission to stop his father, an evil demon, from resurrecting an army of zombies to take over Earth. Brynn Meyers, an art gallery owner with special abilities, has no clue she's the key to the zombie resurrection. Keegan's resolve to stop his father is tested, when he starts to fall for the very woman he may be forced to kill.

DEMON BORN is a completed 85,000 word paranormal romance.

Thank you! (This site is awesome!)

In the meantime, it would be a great help if when folks post follow-up and revised posts, if they'd number the versions or just go ahead and re-post the old one(s) WITH the new ones. That way I know I'm on top of the new and improved versions.

Thanks! More very soon! EXCELLENT work, all!

Well, rock on, all of you who’ve taken up the challenge! I’m impressed. I know it takes some courage to put your novel out there and to invite critique of the same. Please know, though, that we’re all in this together and we’re all here to learn.

Okay, in order of appearance (more or less):

RUTH:

Of the two different versions you posted (I know there were two iterations of the first), I’m more drawn to the first, though I’d suggest finding other language besides “Emotionally dead” to describe your character, as this may create fear in the reader’s mind that we’ll be spending time with an aggrieved, depressing character for some span of the story.

In both versions, too, you might ratchet up the specificity. For example, instead of “blood obsessed,” are you really saying “vampire?” ;-)

Also, you might give us a bit of a hint as to what’s at stake if she doesn’t meet the challenge—how might it be both her undoing and the undoing of her world?

Nice job!

ROSALIE:

I like the inherent conflict in Keegan’s choice between saving the world and potentially destroying the woman he loves (or at least craves). That has emotional resonance.

You do still have some room to play with a deeper characterization of Keegan, though, something beyond “half-demon” or “interdimensional bounty hunter.” What, in his heart or psyche, makes this particular mission particularly fraught for him?

Play with it!

DIANE:

Quickly, to answer your question where P&P is concerned, I think you can do much with Elizabeth’s foibles—she’s meddlesome, opinionated, and her independence and pride really mask her vulnerability (and act to shoot her in the foot through much of the novel). So, in the course of your revised pitch you might suggest some challenge to that pride, “Aggressively proud Elizabeth Bennett must humble herself for the good of her family—“ etc.

Hope that helps!

JUDYTHE:

I think by playing with some of this and ratcheting up the emotional language, you can make this more potent. For example, “Parental discovery of a relationship” is a bit of a bloodless/intellectualized phrase. How can you soup this up in more emotional terms?

“When Annie’s outraged parents discover her love affair with a boy she now believes dead, they banish her to boarding school in Ireland. There she finds solace in her relationship with [child’s name and age, perhaps, some telling characteristic], and a connection with his father. But when her first love appears, very much alive, Annie must choose between…” etc.

Not perfect, of course, but it tugs at a few more heartstrings. Give it a go!

SAYTCHYN:

I think the second version of this is stronger, so good job there! The only thing I’d try to do is dig in a bit to make things more specific. “Cursed secret society” feels a bit vague. Give us a phrase that brings them—and their objectives—more fully to life, if you can.

And you might spruce up the language a bit and give us some greater emotional insight into Dusky by applying some phrase of description to her here. How would you describe her, emotionally, at the beginning of the story? Independent? Intellectual? Stubborn? Play around w/ who she is and how that identity will be challenged.

Also, try to give us a hint at what’s at stake for them all. If the cult members are after them, help us understand a bit about why. Again, in just a few words. ☺

ANDREA:

Some great conflict there. Would love a bit more insight into WHY she’s getting into fights with boys at school? What is causing their enmity, and how is it a product of some misunderstanding?

Of course, I’m not looking for paragraphs of description, but something to tell us what might be inherent in her “buried past.” Also, while you establish the story promise—that her hopes may vanish because of the “psycho ex-girlfriend,” I’m wondering if you can give us a hint here of what Holly aims to do about it!

Would love to see a revision of this!

ELIZABETH:

Hehe—you didn’t even need me! You diagnosed yourself. Great job with the revision of this. It’s much stronger the second and third time around.

I like the introduction of Holly’s practicality, etc., but I’d love you to retain some of the elements of the second version—the idea that she may destroy a man AND Alaska in the process of enacting her mission.

Also, I’m wondering if there’s some way to suggest that Holly herself has engendered this desire on the part of Raven. As it stands in the third version, it feels like a bit of happenstance with no real context.

So, play with some combo of #2 and #3. You’re on the right track!

LIA:

Awesome job with this last, subtly tweaked version! I wonder if instead of the detail of the rake’s affair with her brother (I understand its inclusion), if you might be better served to suggest that her joining forces may result in the loss of some dream for her? She’s not just risking social disgrace, I’d imagine, but the potential end of her dreams of scientific pursuit?

Also, perhaps some hint of why SHE is the one who must help kill the monster. Just a few words to suggest a connection between who she is and what she knows and the pursuit at hand?

Fascinating elements, very well expressed!

17-year old aspiring scientist Lady Eliza Vine must conquer her dread of social disgrace and join forces with a notorious Bohemian rake, whom she suspects of having an affair with her brother, in order to kill a monster that is hunting and executing decadent citizens of fin-de-siecle London.

Some absolutely fascinating stories! Wow.

While each of you are constructing your "emotion-focused" pitch, pay attention to the difference between writing a pitch that will be used in a query... and writing a pitch that will be spoken. You might want to try both.

Verbal pitches start off with grounding details and characters. Opening with a preposition is fine for a written pitch, but it’s seriously confusing when listening to a pitch. Also, sentences should match your ability to breathe. ;) And make sure every word takes you in the right mental direction, so that the listener isn’t scrambling to make sense out of what you've heard.

Let me use Saytchyn's awesome pitch as an example. (Saytchyn is a Pitch U Minion, and that means she already knows I think she's pretty awesome!)

Her version: Dusky never realized how much she relied on her spirit medium mother until a cursed secret society makes Mom disappear. When the cult targets Dusky and her friends, Dusky must learn to rely on herself, taking on both the cult and the ghosts of its dead members.

Re-worked for verbal pitching: A 12-year-girl named Dusky never realized how much she relied on her spirit-channeling mother until a secret society makes Mom disappear. Soon, she and her friends are running for their lives from the secret society, and she must take on the society and the ghosts of its dead members to get Mom back.

I confess, I made up some details. I don't know how old Dusky is. That's an issue that might be resolved by starting with title, genre, word count. But if Saytchyn is writing an adult novel, then it won't tell us if the protagonist is 21 or 61. (Hey, Mom could be a spry 90, for all we know!)

I've clarified that Dusky = girl immediately. While there is a "she" in the original version, by the time you hear it, you have to go back and say, "What? Dusky is a she? Wait!" Also, I consistently used Secret Society or Society. I didn't use cult, because, again, the listener has to think, "wait, is this a new group or is cult and secret society the same thing?" And finally I rephrased the last sentence to very simply communicate "she does this, and this is her challenge." I imply that she must rely on herself, because while she and her friends are running, only SHE must take on the secret society.

Saytchyn, this sounds absolutely excellent, by the way. I want to read it!

Blood Seed is a complete 98,000-word dark fantasy. As a foreigner, Sheft can deal with the hatred and suspicion of the local villagers, and even with the fact that a blood-thirsty entity from the nearby Riftwood is waiting for him to bleed, but falling in love with Mariat is another story. The young man is torn between his desire to protect her, and the challenge to accept the dangerous truth of who he is.

I was just talking about this with an events coordinator for B&N. This actually came about because of a blurb request. (Hence the cover blurb by JR.) Truth is, JR doesn't give blurbs, but she and my editor are friends, so she agreed to take a look at it. Thankfully, she loved it and not only agreed to the blurb, but also wanted to feature it on her BDB forum and to have me over for a "chat". I was thrilled. She said that, as a writer, she rarely loses herself in a book anymore. I'm the same way. Too often we are so busy analyzing how the writer did this or that, we forget to just enjoy the book. So the fact that she was able to let go and just enjoy First Grave was a HUGE compliment.

I will be forever grateful for her endorsement. And she's about the nicest woman I've ever met! An absolute doll!

Thanks so much!
~D~

WHEN FROGS DREAM, a 90,000 word young adult fantasy, is a work in progress.

Recently orphaned, accused of a crime she didn’t commit, Nora, 15, takes to the woods and discovers that she holds the power to restore a crumbling world. But first she has to find the courage to undergo a painful transformation into the one creature she loathes—a frog.

Allison Claire Gordon becomes fightened when, in Scotland, some of her dreams become immutable prophcies.
Her fears mount when she dreams about the death of her new friend, Ewan Mackay, and she becomes determined to thwart this particular prophecy.

Thanks for doing this. I loved your article. Especially the phrase: the heart of the end reader. I also liked the phrase, emotional transformation. *sigh* I always think in terms of taking the bling out of the story. Remove the guns, murders, stalkers or mayhem, and imagine your hero/heroine having a cup of coffee in a regular old kitchen three weeks after the carefully constructed jeopardy has been removed. Would they be interesting to listen to without the bling to shine them up? I kind of think, if the answer is no - then there was no emotional transformation because the inciting change was dependent upon external conflict. To me, it’s really the internal conflict/revelations that work to draw a reader into being invested in a character. I mean, if I’m only paying attention to what is happening to these people because there’s gunfire and a bad guy around every corner - the characters are replaceable and could be anybody. And, as a reader, that’s invested the time to get to know them? I want those characters to be better than just anyone. I want them to be people I care about and would listen to even if they’re only having a coffee together. Great article! Made me think. Love that.


Okay, I’m going to try and parse this with the opposites you mentioned. And yes, I’ll take another stab at this pitching thing. Can anyone spell: glutton for punishment? Hi Diane! See Lesson three for details. I’ll give you a hint. It involves a pitch, a crash, a burn, and an agent. Hi Christine! :) Gee, I wonder if I should mention the schmuck factor? Naw, less is best, right? Heheheh...

LOVE OF A LIFETIME, is a single title, 90k word paranormal romance, targeted for Berkley Publishing.

A fiercely independent woman is faced with the consequences of a choice she’d made centuries ago. When she gifted half her soul to the man she loves rather than live her every lifetime without him. In dark times it was an easy sacrifice - now, however, she fears his eternal dependency.

Again, thanks for the opportunity.

M.

Philippe said "Save our family", but Amélie didn't know she had a family. Now they need her; her blood empowers their king. No way. Then she meets him. Her daughter's killer after her, Amélie must decide-- death at the hands of a lunatic or at the mouth of a lover.

Another take on the above.....=) I promise I'm done now. =)

carrie

After an attempt on her life, dyed-in-the-wool Soviet diplomat Katya Mikhailova has to trust an American spy to keep her family safe in post-war Paris. But when she finds her would-be killer, she must choose between the belief system she's devoted her life to and the only man she loves.

China has opened its borders and Ah San, a cocky well-paid American engineer, sets off to find a reclusive taiji master only to insult the very man he seeks. Wanting redemption, he submits to the master's demands, discovering the choices at the edge of fear and self-preservation that would bring anyone to their knees.

Thanks for taking a look Lorin! =)

carrie

If magic crimes detective Blanche Robinson wants to keep her new job, she must overcome religious and political muck surrounding three magical homicides and uncover the truth about a past she’d rather forget. With a recalcitrant partner dogging her steps, bringing the murderer to justice isn’t going to be easy.

If magic crimes detective Blanche Robinson wants to keep her new job, she must overcome religious and political muck surrounding three magical homicides and uncover the truth about a past she’d rather forget. With a recalcitrant partner dogging her steps, bringing the rogue magician to justice isn’t going to be easy.

Thanks for all your encouragement, Loin.

Sylvia

Aspiring scientist Lady Eliza Vine must conquer her fear of social disgrace and join forces with a notorious Bohemian rake, whom she suspects of having an affair with her brother, in order to kill a monster who is hunting and executing flawed citizens of fin-de-siecle London.

Remember: this is a pitch that charts your protag's emotional challenges and journey, so try to conjure up some emotional language in your pitch. Think about who they are, psychologically and emotionally, when they begin the story and how they'll change as they go.

More manana, and thanks all! HAVE AT IT!

Holly, whose spirit has been stolen by Raven, must trick the ultimate Trickster to reclaim her life while defying a prophecy that states she will also destroy a man loyal to the Native Alaskan spirit of Wolf and, maybe, Alaska itself.

"LJUBICA'S SONG is a completed 100,000 word erotic paranormal suspense set in Washington DC, France and Slovenia.

"Emotionally dead Dr. Amélie Voisin must break out of her shell and accompany her newly-found blood-obsessed brother halfway across the world to trap the man who killed her daughter and become the queen of an ageless king."

Thanks, Lorin!

Hugs,
Diane

CLAIMING ANNIE’S HEART is a completed 62,000 word contemporary romance set in Ireland and Texas.

Parental discovery of a relationship banishes Annie to boarding school in Ireland. She becomes engaged to the Irish father of the child she nannies. When the Texan she thought dead finds her, she’s torn between her first love and her commitment to another man and her promise to his child.

LORIN, Here's my question for you!

I was a guest over at Boxing the Octopus, and I ended up creating a bare-bones pitch for Pride and Prejudice on the fly (in the comments) to clarify a a point I was making (you pitch the story essence and imply the rest, as opposed to pitching the plot,conflicts, etc.).

(FMI: My guest article about How writers screw up their pitches and WHY, Plus Top 3 Pitch Content Derailments - Part 1: http://dld.bz/Nvgy & Part 2: http://dld.bz/N64a)

Anyway, back to P&P (despite having never read it and relying solely on Colin Firth for my insight):

Here are some variations I came up with (see below). How would you apply emotion to this to come up with an even better pitch?

From my comment:

What you're looking for is the pitch that would sell your cousin, your neighbor, and even a stranger.

I find it helpful to picture myself giving a really casual answer to, "Hey, have you read this one?" to a friend looking through my personal library desperate for a good read. You don't want to give away twists, and you aren't giving a speech.

"Oh, Yeah! That's a wonderful book! It's set in rural Regency England, and it's about this young woman named Lizzy, who's helping her sister's romance with a wealthy bachelor. But the real sparks are between her and the bachelor's friend, a Mr. Darcy, whose elevated station and opinion of Lizzie's family completely muck things up."

Then tinker with that:

A young woman in Regency England, from a modest family, helps her sister marry well to a visiting bachelor, while dealing with the romantic sparks and infuriating assumptions of the bachelor's good friend, Mr. Darcy, a man who is truly her perfect match.

Next version:

Lizzie helps her sister's romance to a gentle, agreeable, well-off visitor, but it's the man's friend, a wealthy aristocrat with dim views of lower classes and Lizzie's family specifically, that cause sparks to fly.

(And you always open with your name, your book's genre, title, wordcount, so we already know it's a historical romance set in Regency England.)

STEP 1: write comment; click “create post”

STEP 2: enter spam-prevention letters; click “confirm post”

Second, if during the editorial process, your future publisher asks you to change some major element in your book, you will have conflicting messages out there about your book. When you begin submitting, I think it's wise to have a website giving the details about your book (blurb, short excerpt) and about you, (Bio, etc.)

My rationale is that by the time I find an agent and a publisher I want my media machine for the book in place with plenty of followers and a fan base waiting with baited breath for the release.

I guess what I am wondering is is it ever too early to start promoting? I don't want to damage my chances of finding a good agent for this book, but I also don't want to sit back and wait around for someone else to get out there and toot my horn for me.

I'd love some guidance on this.

Plus let's look at lots of experiences and not just that one author who became a bestseller without doing any work and sorta by mistake. ;) I'm really happy for that author. But it's hard to plan on having an accidental success. ;)

Thanks for sharing your dynamic insights this week!

I'll admit I'm anti-Twitter, but in this situation, it's a marketer's dream. What sort of messages are sent from Twitter during the blitz? How often were they sent?

Good luck to you and Darynda.

Susan

As to how to find someone: Talk to other writers whose videos/sites/etc you like. Find out who's happy and who's not. Interview potential promotions people/web developers/video producers/publicists carefully. Don't just ask What do you and how much do you charge, but also what's your process! Make sure you've had a phone conversation. You don't want to hire someone who you find difficult to work with on a personal level, no matter how brilliant they may be.

I don't think you necessarily need someone who's in your same city. Case in point, I'm based in Cincinnati, Ohio, and Darynda's in New Mexico. I think if you find someone who has the experience and expertise, and he or she is someone you feel comfortable working with, then you could work with someone halfway across the world. Between instant message, phone & email, you can easily keep the lines of communication open!

Hope that helps!

An all out shockwave of Darynda!

My question is, how do industry professionals decide on which books get this full frontal promo, and which don't.

I will say that I pretty much won the lottery when it comes to agents, editors, and publisher's backing and believing in this project. While I have no idea how many authors get this kind of treatment, I do know I am ridiculously grateful to have them in my corner, and that includes Liz Bemis. She is amazing. A nice, professional website means so much more than people realize. Foreign rights buyers were looking at it, scouts for those buyers, booksellers, etc. It's all part of the big picture, and Liz has created an amazing picture. She has worked closely with my publicists at St. Martin's Press to ensure the best launch outcome and has coordinated her efforts accordingly.

As for how they decide, I'd have to say someone in the house must be completely in love with your project and be willing to back it and fight for it tooth and nail. My editor has done just that. She is amazing and has ensured First Grave the very best promotional efforts out there. They even did t-shirts! It's all been so very cool. I think a unique idea and a well-told story are key, of course, but so much goes on behind the scenes with literally dozens and dozens of people involved. It's like an orchestra!

My question is, how do industry professionals decide on which books get this full frontal promo, and which don't. Honestly, the premise of this book is AWESOME. It's definitely something new. Is this part of the reason it's been promo'd so well? Darynda, did you realize there was going to be this kind of push (not that an author would want it any different ) to get your title out there?

Thanks for the great info, and as before, I'm tired just imagining all the thought/work that went into this. What fun though!

Liz

Thanks for stopping by!

Jenn!

Well done. Watching/reading this happen from start to finish is VERY enlightening and I'll be looking forward to wed and fri posts. This is a great inside look at what happens behind the scenes that we never get to see.

Kudos to your actress for being so willing to do whatever you needed.

Thanks for the glimpse into your madness. :)

And I'm really looking forward to this read. The title is smashing!

Thanks for your questions! There's no way to know how successful the video was for getting readers to the bookstore, unfortunately. I can tell you how many people viewed it, and where they found it. But unless they clicked "like" or left a comment, there's not really any way to know for certain how effective it is (except for anecdotal evidence). The trailer was part of Darynda's personal publicity efforts (in combination with her website, the book's site (www.firstgraveontheright.com), but St. Martin's was really on board and helped us to promote it. (It was sent out with a newsletter and was used several other places.)

Thanks again!

I know you're going to get into numbers later this week, so feel free to tell me to be patient and wait :) But, do you have a sense of how successful the trailer was in terms of driving momentum for the book? And was the trailer something that St. Martins asked for, or was it part of Darynda's personal publicity efforts?

Great job, ladies - can't wait to see what you put together for SECOND GRAVE.

This is exactly the difference between summarizing your book vs. creating the hook. When you summarize, you're in the mode of working with the character and plot. But when you create the hook, you're IMPLYING your book (the genre, the shape of the story and how it unfolds, what conflict *might* exist, the tone of the storytelling, and the attitude of the main characters).

Your awesome video does ALL this.

BUY the book. SHARE the video. See? It worked!

Thanks! This video does prove (I believe) the old adage "Less is More!"

Thanks for stopping by! It would depend on the format of the video. But unless a video is entertaining my socks off, I'm not going to give it more than 90 seconds. Voice overs help shorten a video (and frankly, make it feel more professional!). You'll notice that we sped up the actual video (like Charley going over the wall and tackling the bad guy) in order to keep it as snappy as possible. Because this video was meant to be a little campy, it worked. It wouldn't work as well for every video.

What's the target length to shoot for in a book trailer? How long before your audience starts to nod off?

Thanks for being here =)

carrie

Diane, you have really created a winner with this blog :-) Kudos from a fellow "Maass-kateer"

After hours of practicing and shooting over and over again I finally have a second version of my practice pitch that has an actual pitch of under 200 words, no more than six sentences and a total time of 1 minute 45 seconds (I was really trying for 90 seconds, but I just don't talk fast enough). I worked on the lighting for my blue background also, and I think it is better.

I'm looking forward to seeing if you guys think it is an improvement especially as far as the actual pitch goes. I find it interesting that it is so much easier to do this for other people, and so much harder to do for myself.

I've loved your interaction here at Pitch U since Day 1. :) And I especially love the way you get jazzed to "do it better." Great trait in a writer. And, yes, steal my post-it note idea. It's all yours.

Had to laugh at the "writer dressed as a character in his/her novel!" Have to put that in the Don't Do This list. Stacey is making a couple really fun Don't Do This videos for our viewing pleasure. Frankly, they might go viral.

I want you to know how impressed I was with your videos. In fact, my thought was, "These are too good! People will be intimidated by the goodness." ;)

It is obvious that each of you is a serious, professional writer, that you've done your homework, and that you are here to impress. Wow.

Here's what I think's going to happen at Pitch U. I think that "having to create a video or audio" pitch will act as a screening tool. Because, let's face it, you have to actually do some work. And agents and editors will come here because those who go to this effort have quality projects.

And I think that agents and editors will be looking at past projects to shop.

To help out my fellow writers, don't you think I should forward them links to the best pitches as part of the prep for "their week" at Pitch U.

Yes, I think I should. :)

You must click CREATE POST, then wait! You will get a box with with random text (at the bottom of the page--you may need to scroll down). You have to enter that as well and confirm your post. :)

NOTE: When I created this comment, the first set of letters didn't work. I will be talking to tech support immediately! Meanwhile, if you have a comment or a question for Christine and have any problems posting, EMAIL YOUR COMMENT TO ME.

I don't want you to miss out!

Candi-- I did about 50 takes all told, until I got it right. Not all of those were full takes; if I flubbed I just stopped the camera and started over. And since this was just a camera, I didn't have trouble with eye contact, but when I got some headshots done last year it really threw me to have someone looking through the lens. All my pix have me looking at some point over her shoulder with a slightly apprehensive expression. I'm a photographer (can I add videographer now too?) and I'm used to that comfort zone behind the camera!

Tina--congrats on your request; you must have done some celebrating over the weekend

Susan and Stacey--I look forward to seeing your pitches, when you post them

Carol--I had bloopers too--totally set myself up for a funny one by putting "t" and "p" sounds too close together. It's on my blog because it cracked me up so much. And if you can really distill your story, focus in on the crucial bits, I think you'll find it's easier to stay on track.

And lastly, a great link for everyone, on how to prepare for a portrait session--a lot of it applies to videos too.
http://megandimaria.blogspot.com/2008/08/preparing-for-your-portrait-session.html

Thanks again, everyone, and I'm looking forward to seeing them all tomorrow!
Angelica R. Jackson
http://angelicarjackson.blogspot.com

K.R. and Angelica, great job! K.R. I think you and I thought to much about making our pitches feel conversational I read your pitch earlier and like the idea. What I've been trying to do to help me hone in on the most important bits is to imagine what would be on the back cover of my book that would entice a teen to read it. I think I'm getting close. Angelica your pitch was how I imagined mine to be in my head before a got all Southern talky. It was so clean and I loved that you shared your writing credentials and gave information about how to see more. I never even thought of that!

Woohoo, I'm excited. Thank you so much Pitch-U and Christine and fellow video pitchers! I'm looking forward to re-recording

I SO wanted to pitch this week, but my co-writer and I ended up getting a request for an exclusive read from an agent just this past Saturday. We couldn't grant the exclusive, but we promised no additional queries or pitches. :(

That said, Christine Witthohn has been fantastic in her advice and praise. I wish you all the very best with your pitches this week and I hope they lead to full requests and more! Anyone would be like to have her as an agent.

Best of luck to you all!

Great job Carol and Angelica! My fellow brave souls. I love the background for Carol's pitch. It was so in tune with the pitch, all mystical. And Angelica, holy smokes, you acted like you'd done this a million times, super!

Christine, um, the pics! Never thought of that, or how it would be such a distraction. I guess it would be kind of the same as someone coming into a pitch session dressed as a character from their novel. I actually considered doing the pitch outside since we're buried in snow/freezing temperatures and that's in line with my novel setting, lol. Hey, what can I say, we all have brain-cramps at times.

I'm super excited to try this again. Hey it CAN'T get worse right? My face is on the web now, so all there is to do is improve. I'm SO stealing Diane's idea of sticking post-it notes around my camera when I tape. Maybe it will keep my eyes on my target (who knew I evaded eye contact so much?!?) and help me to keep on track for the hook.

Thanks so much for the feedback, and please, anyone, feel free to offer suggestions and comments. As with the written pitch, I'm a big girl - I can take it.

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Thank you so much for sharing your insight and for providing this practical yet inspiring PitchCraft checklist.

Why does the world need this book? This simple question truly resonates with me. I think it will be the cornerstone of my pitch.

Susan Reynolds Smith

I just found out my post did happen. Here's a retry... Great job on your first video. I totally agree that practice and dedication make all the difference. No one is an alchemist on day one.

Maggie

Re your summary pitch - I was a bit confused when I read your two versions because their focuses were so different. I know it's a historical, and there's scandal to be overcome, and I'm hoping for some romance ;) But I think (and I may be way off-base here, but I'm still learning!) perhaps you need to focus on just one character's story or one "hook" for the high concept pitch. Either that or summarise it even further! Is that possible? Which is the biggest hook?

Maggie

CJ thanks for all the tips.

Good luck to all!

Ready? Here it goes: it's all about the audience....

So the answer to how to craft a great pitch or query or whatever isn't about what works for you or lets you tell as much of the story as you can cram into a few words, it's about the impact on the audience.

When to use which type of pitch? Look at your audience. If your audience is the folks you're handing a business card to then your high concept is perfect--short, sweet, easily readible...same for a query letter or if in a face to face pitch with someone (that's why I love high concepts, when you have one, you can use it everywhere!)

On your website you'll probably use this PLUS a summary pitch to answer the questions you know your audience will have--but of course, don't answer all of them, leave them wanting more....

Hope that helps!
CJ

Thanks, Bron, for the backpat :)

A question, CJ - can you tell me when you would choose to use each of the three pitches you've described?

Maggie

Any reader/editor/agent who enjoys this kind of story would immediately be drawn in and compelled to ask questions and want more.

For those who've posted summary pitches, can you see the difference here? Maggie didn't "tell" the story, she "showed" us its essence.

Well done!!!
CJ

Have fun with it!
CJ

There's nothing worse than a love triangle - except when your sister makes it a square.

Thanks, CJ - a great post!
Maggie

Anthony James Craven, the fifth Earl of Wickham, lives and breathes seduction. His lazy, utterly arrogant smile, promises women paradise and nothing more. He is a notorious rake and determined bachelor – but Miss Melissa Goodly will make him love her. After all, she is now his wife.

Cheers
Bron

If you reveal that twist then take some of the focus off her--for instance in this version scandal ridden gives us the motivation for her to propose (instead of the other way around) BUT if the focus is instead placed on the WHY of the inheritance then you might be able to dump some verbage because it won't be needed.

Only you can decide--but remember, you're creating ONE emotional promise to the reader, not trying to explain the entire story.

Have fun!
CJ

Joanna Aislinn
Dream. Believe. Strive. Achieve!
NO MATTER WHY
The Wild Rose Press
www.joannaaislinn.com
www.joannaaislinn.wordpress.com

Thanks. They were fun to make.

CC

I don't think you could be rude.

CC

I think this is hard for most of us. I wouldn’t recommend that you initiate the conversation about your book. I would attempt to subtlety say . . . “It’s such a pleasure to meet you in person. I know you represent a few of my favorite authors.” Or… “I just love your blog.” Or . . . “I heard you speak at DARA conference and thought you were wonderful.” Or. . .”You’re on my list of dream editors/agents.” Whatever personal tidbit that you can offer to let them know that you’re aware of who they are and respect them is a good thing. Then . . .add, “…and I’m hoping to have a query for you soon.” If you have something really positive to add about your writing add it in. i.e. “I’ve finaled in about six contests and I’m ready to move to the next step.” Or . .. “I just finaled in the Golden Heart and . . .” My point is don’t just start pitching. Try to make them be the person to ask about your book.

Most editors and agents don’t want to be given the hard pitch when they are in the more social circle arenas. If they are interested, and agreeable to it, and you give them an opening, they will ask. “So what do you write?” And this is where you need to have that short pitch memorized. But if they don’t ask you can still use this meeting in your query letter. “We met briefly at the bar at the RWA conference. I was the woman wearing the bright pink blouse that was so exciting to meet you.”

Good luck. I hope you run into the perfect agent/editor and it ends up in the perfect pitch.

CC

Sheila

Great post and videos!

While I'm not shy, I find it difficult to approach someone about my book with the appropriate conversational tone in a non-meeting setting. (Say at the bar, in the elevator, or sharing a cab to the airport.) Do you have any advice about this?

Susan

Wow! You've made me think I might actually be able to do this!

The 'shut your trap' part is genius. It's so easy to ramble on when it matters so much.

Thank you!

Susan Reynolds Smith

Early on with Pitch-U concept, we discussed the similarities. I have listened to some start-up pod casts that have a pitch section to it. Lots of affirmation about why the Pitch-U content and the practice makes perfect approach is relevant. Having been around the craft of writing for over 20yrs, I really appreciate how you have adapted the content to tie more directly to writers.

I'm glad you like the content. I have a confession to make, I come from a business school... I've always secretely wanted to write, but my expertise comes from the corporate world, mostly with startups pitching for investment. Both things, pitching a startup and pithcing a book are not that different, I think; but I guess that my business side shows here and there.
Anyway, I'm happy everyone is liking it and finding it useful! I hope this business mind of mine, that wants to be creative, can keep helping!

What I like about this series is that while it is focused on and adapter to Authors, the adaption really resonates for the corporate worker as well. This way this is laid out makes it very approachable for all "pitching". Thanks for the Content

Your post is inspiring on several levels! To be a trailblazer in rock is definitely worthy of acknowledgement.

Thanks for the practical advice and the panic-mode check list. Even someone who feels comfortable speaking in public can get tongue-tied when so much is riding on those precious few minutes.

More cowbell!

Susan Reynolds Smith

I'm bookmarking this on my iphone to read right before future pitches.

It will almost be as if you're there elbowing me in the ribs to go ahead and OWN IT. ;-D

Susan Reynolds Smith

It's always the little details that make the big difference ;) I'm glad you liked the lesson. Remember that the timimg I explain is one approach and not a rule, find what works best for you; don't be affraid to experiment and biuld on what I said. When you find what works, perfect it and don't forget to share it with us!

Hello Judythe, I'm glad the video was useful to you. I'd love to hear about how you plan to implement the story and, of course, if you make a video pitch, don't hesitate to share!

Hello TJ, thanks for your comment on the previous video as well. There are many refferences you could check, I think the books that helped me the most were The hero with a thousand faces by Joseph Campbell and Wagner's "ring" and its symbols by Robert Donington. Although heavy reads, they are full of insight on stories, symbolism and heroes. Good luck with the upcoming book! What's it about?

You make a wonderful point! When I practiced interior design, I wanted clients who had some knowledge of my field and were was stable enough to deal with adversity (for example: What if a container ship sunk with their handcrafted chest aboard?). It makes sense to represent 'my-author-self’ as the type of person I’d want as a client.

Susan Reynolds Smith

Using the pitch to transport our listener into the movie of our story makes complete sense to me. I do understand my story in cinematic scope--right down to the soundtrack. Communicating that verbally by using the language of the seven story types (or 14 or 36, depending upon who made the list) is exactly what I will focus on now. Thanks for your insight!

Susan Reynolds Smith
EMERGENCE

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One of the things I try to incorporate in my novels, which are fairly dark, is unexpected humor. I like that juxtaposition of the dark and the funny, and it seems to work. Now I know why. Thanks for the insight.

TJB

You’ve given me the means to develop my pitch. Since my story is a voyage and return story, I’m off to perfect my pitch around that story type. Then I’ll practice, practice, practice. More sound advice!

Thanks for sharing.

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And it's not because they aren't smart. It's because they're creative! Their stories bring in many elements.

Writers have their own ideas... a LOT of their own ideas. We include them in our story... and then it's a mental-tangle when it comes time to use just one or two words to "slot" your book.

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This is a professional environment. Be professional. No one is fooled by the phrase, "I'm just being honest."

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Don't be* that* writer.

I'm glad you're all finding it useful and I'm looking forward to see some video pitches to see how you apply what you're learning.
Stacey, that's a very good question! No doubt Fatal Attraction meets The Andromeda Strain is unexpected and so is being simple and short. Anything that breaks the "norm" of who you're pitching to is going to make them sit up in their chairs and start actively listening.

So, you don't have to necessarily bust out a dance, but just do things differently and that will set you apart from the rest.

Thanks to all of you again!

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Loved the video! You added so much depth to pitching by being sticky. I am definitely adding some stickiness to my pitch and writing!
Thanks!

Thank you, Byron!!

CC

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As an example, we once worked with a fantasy-fiction author who was a well-credentialed educator. She also happened to be an avid video gamer and the books originally started as character profiles for a friend's video game. Knowing that, we positioned her to speak on using video games in the classroom and discuss ways educators can engage students and make learning fun. Obviously she wasn't interviewed every time all about her book, but this helped build her platform and allowed her to discuss how video games fueled her creative passions, pointing back to the book.

I was wondering about your experiences working with novels. What kind of media hooks have you been able to find? I've thought about this for some time, and I believe there really are media hooks in many novels... but they're usually not obvious hooks.

Love the article!

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This is a professional environment. Be professional. No one is fooled by the phrase, "I'm just being honest."

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So, I always like it when folks can relax, put their pitch session in a larger perspective as part of a very long journey, and take ownership of their stories and of who they are as writers. As Linda and others have mentioned, SMILING is also important. Looking the agent or editor in the eye. Just getting as comfortable in one's skin as possible. A tall order, sometimes, I know, but all of that can pay great dividends.

I especially love the grip the table to transfer angst and breathe parts. I'd add SMILE. I tend to be so intense I forget to do that too.

This was a wonderful post.

Breathe! The best advice EVER.

I'll be keeping your post in mind while I cringe through the video pitch attempts I make. Maybe I'll do one as badly as I can and one as arrogant as I can just to get them out of the way. I once attended a seminar where the speaker was teaching us how to speak in public. One point he made was that if you imagine the worst and best scenarios ahead of time, all you have left is to do what comes natural and breathe.

Candi

It's too bad you didn't have a taser gun when they cornered (or would that be stalled) you in the bathroom. You could have had two in one shot.

Candi - who is mortified to think people actually get this desperate.

Also never complain about anything. Don't complain if the person in front of you doesn't leave when they are supposed to and you wind up getting less time than you should. If you complain, you are wasting precious seconds that could be spent talking about your work and putting forth a negative attitude rather than dealing as positively with adversity as you can.

Relax, smile, breathe and have fun.

Wonderful story. Thanks for sharing.

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Thank you for the time you're devoting to this project....and for the expertise you bring to the table:) We're very fortunate to have an agent take the time to do this for us:)

Loretta Wheeler ( L Reveaux)

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This is a professional environment. Be professional. No one is fooled by the phrase, "I'm just being honest."

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Love it! I just tweaked my high-concept hook today too. I need to figure out if/how my queries should be changed to incorporate this:
To save the world from a power-hungry immortal, a reformed con artist must sacrifice her family, the husband and son she's fought so hard to deserve.

Thanks!

Do the audience HAVE to be late teens/early adults? Or are you using that as code for another attribute... like open-mindedness about environmental issues?

"Thrill seekers who like danger, the excitement of the unknown or using your instincts to survive in situations beyond our normal lives will enjoy the ride." - I have the feeling this is a bit large. Could you be more specific?

"those who enjoy human strength and frailty in its incredible variations" <--- LOVE this.

Post your Oath right here.

"I hereby accept the challenge to achieve 75% success with my pitches (or queries). I will track my pitches (or queries), adjust my approach, and perfect my abilities as I continue to learn and receive feedback. Now, all you Pitches (or queries), prepare to die!"

And then report back and let us know what happens, the adjustments you make, and how your percentage improves. You can write me at pitchuniversity@gmail.com and I'll compile our Oath results!

But you'd be surprised how many agents there are out there. Even targeted, you're talking about a pretty extensive list, and that's just the A-Listers.

Cheers,
-Marcus

I don't have any plans to attend a conference to do in-person pitches, but I'm actively querying. What do I need to do to sign up for this challenge?

I know it stings, but if you're getting a 24% request rate then your query letter is broken. The good news is that it's not your novel; the two exist independently.

I would recommend scrapping what you have and starting fresh. Try to really boil down the essential conflict of the story. Remember to include stakes, and to build tension. Once you're done, have friends and colleagues read it, and b>ask them to be brutal. Hearing that you're a genius may feel good, but it doesn't help you any.

Good luck!

-Marcus Sakey

I've taken most of Marcus advice. I do my querying in waves as well.

I've been lucky with this query and had about a 20 - 24% request rate which isn't great but it's not terrible either.

I'm going to have to look at mine again and utilize his ideas. I never thought of just coming out and asking if I can send the finished manuscript, but then I've never been much of a sales person either. LOL.

Thanks for another wonderful post!

Diane? How the heck did you hammer yours out so quick? And well done btw!

Here's a go for mine,

This story will appeal to mid to late teens and early adults who enjoy escaping to a 'what could be' world. It will captivate those interested in the future, and our/nature's impact on the world. Thrill seekers who like danger, the excitement of the unknown or using your instincts to survive in situations beyond our normal lives will enjoy the ride. With a dash of romance and the brutal pressure of doing what is right, those who enjoy human strength and frailty in its incredible variations, will savor the characters poignant journey.

Hmmmmm, I'm a big girl. Let me know your thoughts. :)

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Diane: LOVE this. :)

"This story will appeal to people who are fascinated by deciphering secret codes and dream of following treasure maps. It will delight fans of Indiana Jones and National Treasure, and everyone who wishes great quests didn't just happen hundreds of years ago... They wish that they, too, could heed the call of the Holy Grail, right now in 2011. And it will especially appeal to people who enjoy magical romance and true love, all told with a comical touch of “knight in shining armor.”

The same goes for novels, even though it doesn't seem as intuitive at first. Genre is really a huge narrowing of audience, which is why publishers must decide carefully where a book is shelved in a brick-and-mortar shop or library... or the label used in the virtual world.

But within that window, it's the details of your story that dictate if it will appeal to a specific reader of that genre.

And here at Pitch U, when you pitch to an editor or agent... that's your audience, your "window." Of course, we're an educational forum, so pitching for feedback isn't the same as pitching for a YES, and you might just be interested in learning. However, there is a huge opportunity when you pitch here as well, because the agent or editor actually might say,"YES, send me pages!" At that point, you really are concerned with "your right audience."

Can't wait to see the results! And I'll try it out, too, later today.

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This is a professional environment. Be professional. No one is fooled by the phrase, "I'm just being honest."

Agents and Editors will be viewing your comments. If you can't be kind toward your own fellow-writers, the thought is you'd make a pretty miserable client.

Don't be* that* writer.

Or, in Jedi... Something you know and love, your pitch should be.

Hope to see you soon!

Excellent post. I love your point especially on knowing your audience and how you tie it into pitching.

I think MANY writers/authors decide to forgo the idea of researching not only their consumer audience, but their agent/editor audience. It's so important to know that you are pitching to someone who even reps your kind of work, but also that you think and feel that your relationship with this agent would work. No we can't learn everything about them, but knowing as much as possible and whether or not we'd 'fit', compared to pitching to anyone with a title of agent, will help in the long run.

Thanks for a wonderful, informative post.

Of course, I knew you were amazing. One of my writing partners raves about you!

I've learned to let them sit. Kind of like when you finish your rough draft. It's helpful to take some time away, find something else creative to focus your mind on, then come back to it.

Thanks for all teh great info!

Your book sounds wonderful and the way you broke this down for us is great. I still feel like I'm floundering, but all this great info is helping me to sort through how I'll word my pitch and what parts I actually need to use. I've always been afraid I'd over-do when it came time.

I better get to refining!

Aha - key point!

After reading this, I'm ready to try this exercise on all my favorite novels. Thanks!

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Don't be* that* writer.

Nice to see you here, William! So glad this was timely for you.

Just a small re-arrangement of your pitch:

Krista created the power of the sun, a gift for the remains of humanity. Can the help of the mysterious Jace (and the dangerous protection of impact winter) allow her to outrun her murderous pursuers long enough to deliver her gift?

What do you think?

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Agents and Editors will be viewing your comments. If you can't be kind toward your own fellow-writers, the thought is you'd make a pretty miserable client.

Don't be* that* writer.

I'm glad you found the information useful. One of the things I like best about premise is that it's like a lighthouse as you write the book. If you're ever off course, just remember the premise determines what every scene should be directly or indirectly about.

I just wanted to say thank you for such an insightfully articulate way of working from a log line to a pitch. It was extremely helpful to me and hopefully many others.

By the way, your book sounds like a great read.

Thanks again,

Georgia

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Comments need to be...

Encouraging
Productive
Educational
Free of Snark, Finger Pointing, and Personal Attack

This is a professional environment. Be professional. No one is fooled by the phrase, "I'm just being honest."

Agents and Editors will be viewing your comments. If you can't be kind toward your own fellow-writers, the thought is you'd make a pretty miserable client.

Don't be* that* writer.

And seriously, I like it!

I've worked on Pitch U for, like 11 hours straight, so I'll try one for my thriller tomorrow. :)

I'm always willing to play!

Here's mine, after using Catherine's formula, and trying to keep the tone -

Ceres Wrath is a 79,000, dystopian YA.
Krista Brewer has created the power of the sun. A power she soon learns men will kill to possess. Trusting the mysterious Jace Reed and braving the elements of impact winter might be her only chance to give the ‘Suns’ to what remains of humanity.

Anyone who has an opinion/idea, feel free to add your two cents!

And you know, I have a serious, dark, thriller as well. Maybe we should both play around with (dum, dum, DUM) Dark Pitches. :)

You made me laugh and scare my dogs. Snort! Love It's like RMTS... if only one of the couple thought they were married!! And so simple.

And amazing what a couple hours away from your pitch can do. I like the one you selected too. :) But by the end of my original post with all the versions, I had totally lost perspective. Couldn't tell which way was up.

I really like playing around with pitches, knowing there's a sounding board... more of a group activity. ;)

Thanks, my dear!

I love this one-
'Maybe It's about a woman who searches for her future husband and the holy grail, but the way is bumpy, the future husband uncooperative, and they're all pursued by the family sworn to aggressively protect the book from all those who aren't "The One.'

And love Catherine's sugg -
'It's about a woman who searches for her future husband and the holy grail, but the way is bumpy, the future husband uncooperative, and then there are those peksy obsessive cultists...'

The 'who aren't The One' and pesky obsessive cultists grabs me big time. Could you use both? ...pursues by those pesky obsessive cultists who protect the book from those who aren't 'The One'.

I love this way of paring down the needs and need nots. Catherine, how important is it to have the same tone in your pitch as your story carries? You nailed it when you said the pitch gives the imagery of a light-hearted story. What about a darker tone? I posted my pitch on Christine's day and I'll have to go back to the drawing board, but I'm concerned about a fun, light pitch if the story itself is dark/serious/horror etc.

I really like this one! Also, witha few tweaks...

It's about a woman who searches for her future husband and the holy grail, but the way is bumpy, the future husband uncooperative, and then there are those peksy obsessive cultists...

I clearly get the sense that this an a light-hearted adventure with complications galore.

Of course, you could always try this one:

It's Romancing the Stone if only one of the couple thought they were married.

:)

I’m excited to try your question, “would my story be the same if…?” and see if I can come up with a solid verbal pitch for one of the projects I’m working on.

Maeve’s Tale is a 100,000 word, romantic adventure similar to Romancing the Stone. It starts with Maeve Bishop, who has lost everyone she’s ever loved. She’s very, very alone and quite desperate.

At the moment she can’t go on any longer, she hears a knock at the door. And when she opens the door, there’s this beautiful man—a stranger--who’s carrying an ancient manuscript… and he believes that he’s her husband and loves her very, very much. And he also claims that together they’re deciphering the manuscript that might just lead to the holy grail.

Finally someone loves her, cares about her…. She’s not alone, even though she knows it can’t be real. But the next morning, when he’s missing and so is the book, she decides to go in search of him. But when she finds him, unfortunately, he’s never seen her before in his life and certainly doesn’t love her. The only thing she can do is use the manuscript, drag him on the quest, and remind him that somewhere, somehow, their love still exists.

Okay, that’s pretty long. So, "would it be the same…?"

Well, if she weren't desperate she wouldn’t fall for a stranger at the door. She’s probably just call the police like any sane woman would do. So desperate is in, I think. Asking myself, about all the elements, hmmmm.....

Another try:
When a desperate woman finds a handsome stranger at her door--a man who claims to be her husband and love her deeply-- she wants to believe him. And when he says they’re deciphering an ancient manuscript together, she hopes it's true because it’s such a relief not to be alone anymore. But when he and the manuscript disappear the next morning, she starts out on her own quest to find them both…. Except when she does, the real man thinks she’s nuts and the real manuscript comes complete with a lineage of devoted protectors determined to “save” the beloved book and kill anyone who steals it.

Better?

No, too long, I bet.

How about this: Maeve searches for a man she believes is her future husband and an antique manuscript that might lead to the holy grail, and ultimately realizes that great love, like mythical boons, belong to those whose hearts are strong enough to keep trying, even when all hope is lost.

Close? (I’m open to opinions and suggestions from everyone here, too.)

Another try...Maeve searches for a man she believes is her future husband and an antique manuscript that might lead to the holy grail, but finds the real-life versions ill-behaved and uncooperative.....

Probably not.

Maybe It's about a woman who searches for her future husband and the holy grail, but the way is bumpy, the future husband uncooperative, and they're all pursued by the family sworn to aggressively protect the book from all those who aren't "The One."

Or... how about this...

it's about a woman who goes on a quest and comes back to life.

LOL. Hard to get shorter than that.

This is the point that I think most of us get to, where we kinda thought we had it, but now we can't tell what works and what doesn't!

Thanks, Catherine, for a wickedly good post.

Christie: I am ridiculously excited that we have the same initials. And asking, "Where's the beef?" about everything is a great habit!

Jennifer: Thanks!

Angelica: Feel free to post it here if you want some off-the-cuff advice. Always happy to help a loverboy fir in with ghosts!

Thanks for the insights!

Thanks, Catherine!

I couldn't agree more. This article is just amazing, because the thing is you remember her advice because it has a hook. :)

And on top of that, by showing how using her question "Would the story work...?" narrows things down, I can see how I get side-tracked. I would answer YES to many that are really noes. So, what I've learned isn't that I'm wrong, but that I should explore the idea that the answer is really no and not cling to the importance of all the neat details. They're just neat details.

CC

I love this method of breaking down what is needed and what isn't! (Poor Toto)

This could be very effective when it came to a tagline as well.

Off to read your posts from the links above. Thanks for a great post.

Use your real name. Agents, Editors, and Experts will be using their real names. Show up with yours. If your profile isn't your name, please sign your name in your comment.

Comments need to be...

Encouraging
Productive
Educational
Free of Snark, Finger Pointing, and Personal Attack

This is a professional environment. Be professional. No one is fooled by the phrase, "I'm just being honest."

Agents and Editors will be viewing your comments. If you can't be kind toward your own fellow-writers, the thought is you'd make a pretty miserable client.

Don't be* that* writer.

Instead of feeling like you pitched, got a yes (!), and now you're conversing with someone because they're so excited.... it feels like a firing-squad test, and you'd better know the right answer or a trap door will open. With spikes at the bottom. You'll never be heard of again....

Little known fact: Pitching let's a writer's imagination run amok and nothing good can come of that. ;)

--Diane, Chief Sympathizer